Friday, 10 January 2014

My fears,My pain. (blog 37 of 149)

After attempting suicide and being told that "you cannot leave, your not out of danger yet, in fact you expired three times last night" I was harsh to the nurses and doctors that were only trying to help me. I tried to go it alone and went through Christmas not rebounding so I sought out some mental health in the form of a 30 day assessment. The doctors would ask "why did you try to kill yourself"? I would try to explain but they just couldn't get it and would give me bullshit stories that "you control your life, you can change this, you can believe in the beauty of life" "take these medications,do this, walk, run, workout or read""change your life, live more healthy, eat right"
You know all that information was of no relevance to my situation. I told them i am " situational depressed, its out of my control, i cannot change what is going on and that a fucking tuna fish sandwich instead of a hamburger will not change the fact that I was in a state of being criminally victimized by the same government that is sworn to protect my rights.
Looking back I see they had a point to good healthy choices when one is undergoing extreme duress such as exercise, proper diet.But they just couldn't understand that there were times when I wasn't allowed to exercise for months, I was not in control of even my preferential diet. They would throw back," why not"? and "yes you are". They just couldn't get the uniqueness of the situation and just tried to throw a bunch of text book shit at me, move me out to free up bed space. With all their education they couldn't grasp the meaning of the words "I am in peril, and to no fault of my own" and how they applied to my unique situation. So i was asked to write My fears and what my pain was down and then they could address what is wrong with me.....yeah I know, total bullshit but this is what I wrote to them and only now can I say that I still had over ten months until my acquittal.Once again understand I was medicated, excuse the penmanship and grammar and just understand the load I was under, daily having to contemplate my future and the possibility of being wrongfully convicted in a corrupt system.My notes to the doctor.