Monday, 21 September 2020

Tortured by Canadian government: My proof that My personal case was indeed a case o...

Tortured by Canadian government: My proof that My personal case was indeed a case o...: This is the copy of the official transcripts to the several venues of the preliminary Inquiry as well as proof that I was maliciously prose...

Tortured by Canadian government: The cross examination of a false accuser, yet they...

Tortured by Canadian government: The cross examination of a false accuser, yet they...: Quoting from the Supreme Court of Canada decision in Nelles v. Ontario , the Alberta Court of Appeal, in Radf...

Tortured by Canadian government: stonewalling r.c.m.p......

Tortured by Canadian government: stonewalling r.c.m.p......: In my case alone it has been over a ...

Wednesday, 27 November 2019

Tortured by Canadian government: Should have been dead on a Sunday morning....

Tortured by Canadian government: Should have been dead on a Sunday morning....: whether your guilty or not , you'll pay forever. Your sleep will be haunted, dreams terrifying, feeling...

Should have been dead on a Sunday morning....

whether your guilty or not , you'll pay forever. Your sleep will be haunted, dreams terrifying, feelings of dread and self doubt, fighting a relentless system that refuses to admit fault.
Your just stuck dead on the day of dread , immovable and succumbed to the finally that you are just a speak in what this world has to I said before "no one is interested in something you didn't do"

Saturday, 28 July 2018

stonewalling r.c.m.p......

In my case alone it has been over a year and a half since I made complaint about what they did to me and in an answer from the oversight committee I have been told that they have no timeline in which to resolve the issue of complaint, nor do they have to keep me informed of the process , only that the process continues month to month, bettering on close to 3 years!

My complaint is simple:
1). How can a man rape a person when that very day I was diagnosed with a herniated disk, the L5 /S1 and that I wasn't able to pick up more then 20 lbs from waist height, in FACT the arresting officers had to remove my full back harness before cuffing me.
This is a contentious issue because that very day just hours after going to the doctor I was accused by a habitual accuser that I was throwing her around and fully picked her up off the floor and put her on the bed, her weight being close to 100 lbs.

2). My accuser told the R.C.M.P that I had "ground his fist in my head and squeezed my face really hard and he even choked me ". Now the problem with that is there never was even any form of bruising, scratching or even injury worthy of a picture from the forensic didn't happen.

3). My accuser states "he digitally penetrated me and sucked on my breasts" We now have proof from the rape kit that no one sucked on her breasts and no one digitally penetrated her, the rape kit done within the hour of police response and even my own DNA taken within the hour.
Yet the police acted in an act of fraud and delayed the DNA results for over 9 months and even withheld the preliminary results of some of the DNA from the courts in a bid to block my getting bail. After a judge demanded that they produce the DNA results and get the rest tested, by the 9 month they produced all results and even though it was a disqualifying factor that I had committed a crime they still pursued me to trial.

4). my accuser states " he ripped off all of my clothing, undoing my bra and unbuckling my belt and pulling down my zipper" all of which are steel and acceptable to finger prints, yet not even as much as a partial fingerprint was found on any of the items and yet the most ridiculous part is in her formal statement she claims that she was wearing something else entirely.

5). My accuser  claims "it rained so hard that day on my way home that I had to exchange clothing because I was soaked through and through" Despite these officers working all that day and knowing that it did not rain, we introduced the national weather data report for the entire month of the accusation and it clearly states that it did not rain that day or the week before or after but only 4mm of precipitation towards the end of the month. Under oath my accuser states "well maybe it was another day"

6). My accuser states that I had a gun as does police and yet they claimed that they could not tell that it was a bb gun with a bright orange tip but went as far as to defraud me of bail to reporting to the justice of the peace whom issues or denies bail that " In all my 15 years as a police officer I could not tell it was a fake gun found in the house", thus furthering the need to deny bail.

7). corporal Doizios why acting as the crown in that bail hearing states that " he admitted to murdering someone some years previously " Further ensuring that my bail would be blocked with suggestions of there being a murder investigation. An utter act of fraud and abuse of powers.

8). I was kept in handcuffs for what felt like 2 days, further injuring my back and always with a promise that if "you confess, we will take off the cuffs".

9). I was held for 4 days illegally without being able to obtain legal counsel, all the while the endless interrogations.

10). Corporal Doizios  placed his fingers against my forehead once I was cuffed and stated " I should just shoot you in the head now!"

11). None of the officers checked my alibi that I was at my neighbor's house at the time in question stating " they checked it out and no one lives there" this is utterly false. yes they were renovating but I assure you a whole big family lived there and witnessed me there.

12). A judge in good standings finds that "all of the statements from police will not be admissible for one reason or another" all they could say was they arrested me. Thus finding them to be liars.

All in all they block this complaint. Investigating themselves from within. In a court of law a judge ruled "on several occasions the officers violated his charter rights egregiously" .He goes on to comment that the officers were ill prepared , their notebooks didn't match original disclosure, no one knows who arrested me, just that I was arrested. They admit to destroying ALL of their evidence before trial, while not admitting who told them they could do that. Including any video or audio aids from the detachments surveillance systems.
I could say more but I won't for now but sum it up with this statement.
Since that day back in May 2011, my life has been ruined. My career gone , my home and vehicle , gone. My pets and community all gone and the years since have been torturous. 4 Forensic psychologists have deemed me to have severe and comorbid P.T.S.D and severely depressed, a separate entity of the government has deemed me to be disabled, unable to work and gives me a monthly allowance for disability.
So whereas one form of the government aids me for the wrong done and in essence admitting to it, the others who started it deny me any closure. This right under the nose of our Canadian flag, guaranteed constitutional rights. This could literally happen to anyone. Hope it's not you. Remember, she confessed and they did nothing to her.


Monday, 25 June 2018

Some of what resembles p.t.s.d

This song rings out what some of I feel like in recuperation with all the doctors. It still continues years later.

Sunday, 5 November 2017

It's been a while now.

I stepped away from the blog for awhile ever since I left the Hospital, besides the couple updates I added while just getting out. I did it for a reason and that reason is because by going over the Blog, I could see some underlying negativity about it all. Sure what was said and done needed to be said and documented for I was in a fight of my life but the Blog in whole was just negative for me and as things started to mellow out as having been diagnosed with severe, complex and comorbid P.T.S.D, the blog itself was a perpetual trap of reliving that which I went through and thus very counter productive.

Instead, I wanted to put my Blog away for a while until I could have something good to report. That somehow, someway I had managed to salvage some dignity and indeed my very formar life. I believe it's been nearly two years and unfortunate as it is things haven't changed much. I receive a small amount of money from the government each month, barely enough to survive. I awaited nearly 2 years to get a doctor to help me with the P.T.S.D and basically I overcame my fear of leaving the house to going to the gym daily for at least an hour workout.

Tired of waiting for a forensic psychologist to aid with the P.T.S.D  and struggling on my monthly federal subsistence cheque , I decided to go back to work or at least make plans to do so as there was much to do to prepare for that as well such as renewing my oilfield tickets and purchasing my oilfield gear and that in itself was a good few thousand dollars between the tickets and the gear. I put together my resume and sent it off to a few companies of note.
At first I tried the oil company I was with and was told that unless "they are extremely busy, I am not up for rehire because I quit without notice" Hard to explain to a company that while on spring breakup I was falsely accused and incarcerated for a lengthy time for something that I didn't and evidentiary could not have physically done, thus my accusers confession at trial. Apparently I should have called my handlers and told them the whole sorry sordid affair I was being dragged through....... like that would have helped right? Anyways the Hell with them.

While I await on more companies responses I had decided to make formal complaint against the Royal Canadian Mounted Police about the roles they played and that by their sheer lack of enthusiasm for the law they were sworn to uphold, they had trashed my life. They sent out an investigator and he sneakingly got me to sign some papers that the complaint would be dealt with in an informal matter. After nearly , well it is a year. I got one phone call that all the officers except one has signed off on the informal solution of more training. By doing so ,in my mind they admit fault , admit they trashed a guy's life and admit that they were incapable of properly doing their job. But here's the catch. They will give me nothing on paper period and will only tell me on the telephone the results. (my guess is that they don't want me exposing it up on this Blog like I've done everything else)

The last hold out a certain Corporal Dozios is a hold out and they can't tell me whether he is sick ,injured or on days off but just that he hasn't signed off on it. Not surprising to me after all I have seen first hand his handy work at law enforcement and his attitude towards certain procedures. I f he had it his way " I should just shoot you in the fucking head now"  as told to me that day they arrested me. However this isn't surprising to me because since he committed perjury in court and lied under oath, this is a man capable of anything, badge or not. So in the end I await some more.

In the meantime both my forensic psychologist and forensic psychiatrist both agreed that should I return to work this winter that they will work around my schedule to help me get the help I need  to deal with the P.T.S.D , so that is good news. In the meantime I'm hoping and praying to get picked up by an oil company this winter as I have so very much to do and things to prepare for like retirement and owning my own home. Built like a teenager physically now and with 25 years still left for work in my back I do hope to start to make some positive forward steps in my goals.

So yeah, like watching paint dry , I cannot believe its been 2 years, can't with the same breath say that I am impressed and wished that I had something better to say. To end this I will say that a public enquiry might be in order for the cops as well as a lawsuit, while that paint is drying I hope to be working, making forward progress like any other adjusted person.


Thursday, 9 March 2017

On my behalf someone steps in and brings to light that which they did in the name of justice.

The following letter is unedited , blackouts. It is from one of my highly esteemed Doctors  that collaborated with the other two and put his neck or career on the line and said no!, the truth will come out and for that I will ever be grateful the courage it took to stand against a corrupt system. Even if it could hurt him, them.
 In this letter you can see the uttermost destruction of a man facing false allegations by a Female. Broke, destitute, homeless, multiple suicide attempts and some leading to very near misses. Beyond your wits and throwing yourself at the mercy of a mental hospital before one and final act to end it all.

You'll notice that he doesn't say "accused , alleges, claims" but rather solidifies it into reality that certain things did occur to me. Odd considering I was a patient in a mental Hospital who very little you would believe . Unless of course you have evidence like I do and the fortunate circumstance of meeting someone who stands up for right, a man of character and moral fortitude. Whom does some vetting of his own alongside my complaint.
I was conflicted as to whether to share this or not for some time as it is very personal and quite embarrassing. My decision to share it took near a year and I do so with the guts that I've had throughout this whole ordeal in an attempt to enlighten some on why those who falsely accuse should be punished. Instead as a criminal they walk away aided by the justice department.
Let it pass your own test of reason, maybe some of you will know why I complained so much on the different sites for men and even started this Blog.

The following is new and just coming out. Now female guards are alleging decades of the same treatment. I guess if you are female and you make complaint then its true, dealt with. Apparently no one wanted to believe this was possible that I underwent this kind of treatment. I guess it only happens to female guards accused of nothing and not ever to inmates standing accused of a crime....that the male guards wouldn't do right ? Here is the link

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Coming to a city or town near you to cause trouble

Some of my story gets discussed on forums such as "Discuss" and recently a disgruntled ex boyfriend posted this, updating the change of name and why to viewers. Here it is:
Apparently my false accuser had found out about my Blog so she up and married an American exchange student. Thus now making it capable for her to migrate to the United States being married to a citizen.
The ex boyfriend and I had some candid conversation. For some reason I'll spare the copy and paste of said conversation unless it become required to do so. In our conversation he reiterated to myself that Angel had once been charged with an assault against him. Given a verdict of guilt and a 30 day sentence they then released her without so much as a day in jail or any conditions. Months down the line the same thing happened yet he now defended himself and they were both given a 1 year peace bond.
This Blog might come across as a bit creepy, after all why would I care? I care because this young person has a plethora of victims to her name and each of them have a name, they are people. Why does this person operate with such impunity? Yet now to find of her plans to seek residency in the United States is just incredible.

I also find out that the mother of her new husband has discovered my Blog and has no problem with her son being married to Angel! Well, since I have someone's attention I might as well break down some quick facts. Miss A.K.A Roberts, A.K.A Angel Bambuch,A.K.A livingdeadgirl.22, has had a mental health condition since the age of approximately 9 years old, where she was on Risperidone for her anti psychotic ways such as hurting other play mates her age on purpose, bashing kittens off trees until dead among other reasons. How Do I know this? I was her step father and brought her to mental health help.
This person has accused several teachers of inappropriate conduct of one type or another and even had one fired. She had accused her childhood friend , god mothers son of rape and recanted at the last minute. Still it was unsure if they were going to charge him. She falsely accused me of rape and a violent attack, dragged me through the court system for years only to get caught up in her lies and partial confession.
While this was going on she would call police on her own mother at will and falsely charged Ryan and Pauline Gambler of binding and beating her, among other things. If you have issue with my words , please feel free to read the pre and trial transcripts where it all come out. The only thing missing is her indifferent and uncaring blatant attitude when questioned, that they cannot record. From my view it was if it was no big deal, we were pawns, she was in control and she exposed her evil underside.
A lot of hurt, lots of pain caused by one person who has yet to grace a jail cell except the drunk tank. Well America, you got trouble headed your way. Most Americans are my supporters so I thought I would give them a heads up. Someone is going to end up in jail and I only hope their crappy defence Lawyer will look this up.
I ended up with P.T.S.D. I'm sure the others have their afflictions.

They got their year!

One year ago I was sentenced to a year Community Sentence. I had to call in every two weeks and appear in person every other two weeks. Surprise, surprise, during that time I had zero negative police interactions; and the police never attended my residence for any domestic issues.
To bring people up to speed - if you are new or had forgotten - It all started in 2011 with false accusations of rape from my then step-daughter; who had a notorious habit of doing so to people to sway the outcome of life events to her advantage at will.
After years of mistreatment and incarceration the Police and the Crown Attorney finally got their way and made me stand trial. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for me, my accuser had grown older and grown tired of her prey. She confessed that it was all false allegations. The full extent of the who, what , where , how and why was 'noised over' by the court and a full account of what happened never really did come out. All I know is that while the distractions were being whipped about, I had received a full acquittal on the rape allegations; but was given one year community service for (they said) assaulting a police officer.
Was my accuser charged for wasting years of investigative labour, general police work, courtroom activity, and victim and other services? And more importantly to me, the irreparable damage that was done to my life? To all of that a resounding "No" she wasn't. Regardless of the fact that she confessed under oath and in front of a jury.
I languished in the system for years and was raped myself for being an accused rapist while incarcerated. I was also subjected to cruel treatment and severe psychological treatment. I would eventually be diagnosed by 3 separate doctors as "having suffered severe trauma and leading to the diagnosis of severe and co-morbid Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)."
As to the charge of assaulting a police officer, a 911 call came in from 4 provinces away that I was harming my then girlfriend (whom I later went on to marry). The police attended and they were all told by my girlfriend that there was no problem, no assault. Still they demanded to see me.
The most contentious issue was how I was approached. According to police they announced themselves and I then assaulted them with bear spray. That's it point blank - and no need to further discuss it. Several dozen serious charges were laid. Closed case right? Wrong.
What was never discussed was why 52 (!) officers were dispatched to my home. No the number isn't wrong. It was also never discussed as to why they attempted to kick down my door, pepper spraying my apartment, and actually called in not one but two tactical units to gain entry.
Not a single statement was gathered from dozens of witnesses; nor even a single frame of footage from the many CCTV cameras in the building. Further, the existence of such evidence was never even acknowledged. (The CCTV cameras were there because of a grocery store downstairs.)
In short I was dragged out, allegedly no police officer was acting like a thug and there to "kill you cause you're a dirty child molester", etc. It's interesting to note that one of the lead officers on that day has gone up numerous times for misconduct at the Alberta Law Enforcement Review Board.
They played with my bail at will, in and out of jail, until I was acquitted on the false charges. Years dragged on despite friends' testimony and my now wife's testimony; and much damning evidence to come out like the altered 911 tapes that the Crown refused to play in court (yet we possess them). In the end I was found guilty!
Guilty of something, anything, just guilty - so it doesn't look like they did a witch hunt on a guy. Pretty bold statement isn't it? You bet, and I base it on this:
All the while being falsely accused I claimed my innocence and despite the lack of DNA evidence - where there surely would be some - bail was denied for over 9 months. Once I got bail they would pull it at will; or keep me under 24 hour house arrest; or both. I could not work or go to the store for myself. The only time I could leave was to attend court. This is just the half of it, more like the quarter of it.
While awaiting trial, police don't take 911 calls from over 5,600 kilometers away and then show up; and, although the call is unsubstantiated, bring 52 buddies to break my door down without a warrant. The role of the Crown Attorney in all this also should be examined carefully.
I was charged with 12 counts of assault with a weapon causing bodily harm against police and my wife (despite her testimony). These are such serious charges that one would reasonably assume they would be tried as indictable offenses, unless they wanted to avoid a jury trial. Yet they were tried as summary offenses, judge alone. Equally, one would assume that 1 year probation does not fit the crime - unless it never happened the way police said it did at all. Just a question of finding SOME guilt was key should lawsuits or investigations start.
Over the past several years, my wife and I have had zero unexplained police calls, nor have police needed to attend our residence. We went on to marry one another even after police kept us apart for over 5 months while young in the relationship. I have fulfilled my debt (?) to society. However, I will always maintain the truth of what went on that day.
I'll always wonder all those years of jail, bail, 24 hour house arrest, and now the year on probation, just why I had no problems, why I kept it straight, no trouble - I mean besides the 52 bulls that come through my door on the hunt for an accused rapist. Maybe someone should have looked at me as a human being caught up in a system, right or wrong, but upholding constitutional values supposed to be guaranteed to us all.

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

As Northern Alberta burns

May 2016 so hot that Northern Alberta burns, up to 80 thousand people expected to be evacuated. I like many  have much friends both residing and working there and I feel for them deeply and will do my best as a friend to help any of them in need just as I had done when in May 2011 when  I was falsely accused of rape as Slave Lake Alberta burned down.

An Anniversary for me is quickly approaching, that of May 21,2011. This changed my life as well, this was a devastation as well. I told people long ago that I had proof before her confession. The fact that she said "I walked home alone and it began to rain so hard I was soaked through and through and had to change" Then like now in Northern Alberta it didn't rain, nor had it for weeks prior and after, yet they felt this wasn't significant enough an issue to push and hindsight not paying attention to it was not a sign or proof of malicious prosecution.

Personally I find it was both significant to lean on her for an earlier confession and that the crown, police and in fact judges had ignored something very key and that key was and is proof of their malicious prosecution. Something so key as the weather, rain should be very evident to them as yet another example of nature is shown to them.|2013-01-14&Year=2011&Month=5&Day=01
The weather data report from that day of May 21,2011. Not that the police should have needed this as they were on shift that day clearly and they should have known it hadn't rained, what with physically seeing no rain and our town population that grew 1300 plus overnight because the nearby town of slave lake had burnt down and all. Not to mention it was a clear and hot 24 degrees that day. To point out how significant and all so relevant the weather was that day. What if she said it snowed? Equally ludicrous but that is my point, when someone tells you something so outrageous and out of place then you must question the validity of the entire statement and the reasonableness to arrest and charge a man with a crime that probably did not happen. Or one would reasonably assume so.

Few other folks knew it didn't rain:
Yup that's right that would be the future King and Queen of England with the Premier of Alberta Ed Stelmach.

I'll throw in video's of Slave Lake burning 6 days earlier and I don't even think the fire was out when I was arrested. My point? Obvious. So when someone starts recounting a day, and they are accusing someone of something life altering serious and say it "rained so hard that I was soaked through and through and had to change".....they are full of shit.

At the very least they should concede that they conducted a very sloppy investigation as the town population had doubled over night and they were only 2 officers on that day to police and render aid to the population that had fled to Athabasca from Slave Lake and they admitted in court to even being on an "enhanced" shift. Such a serious charge and they just fucked it all up and ruined my life.
Image result for slave lake fire


Saturday, 30 April 2016

Going Forward.....

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like".

Lao Tzu

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life".
Steve Jobs

Words of wisdom from those far more naturally gifted than I. Although I dare to borrow them, I do so  as a way to collectively attempt to make sense of that which is non sensible and place a positive spin on that which has occurred while adapting the approach taught to me recently over the last few months... "Joe you needn't agree with it but you need to accept it, else you cannot move forward"

Very true indeed but the first time this was said to me I about had a heart attack. I was stuck on the word ACCEPT, every other well placed and meaningful word was tuned out. My God man I am not accepting you know what they did? Over time my ears allowed the rest of the message to seep though, thankfully because they were right and I do believe that they saved my life.
So I am out of hospital now, easily could have stayed longer but not so easy am I. I did stay over a few months and to reflect on that time I can say nothing negative. In fact my eagerness for discharge was probably to do with the fact that the experience was so wonderful, calm and cleansing that I began to fear never wanting to leave.

Somewhere towards the end of January one day I just up and left home without telling anyone. The depression and the suicidal thoughts coupled with the constant nightmares just got the better of me and I was so filled with self loathing that it just compounded all the effects and added to the confusion of it all because why would I hate myself ? What had I done wrong and why was I so hard on myself?
I had been researching P.T.S.D and a certain hospital that dealt with the brain. I knew I was in jeopardy but that was all I knew. Without outside intervention its like knowing you have a problem but can't understand the problem or what it is. All that was clear to myself was I needed a way out, needed it desperately and my out was suicide in a way that would be the less obtrusive way to those that I knew or would find me and that is a trap in itself because any way you put a twist on it suicide is final and very selfish. A very hard thing to deal with but looking back I can see that I still had care and respect for life and others even though I would venture to say you would never hear me verbalise that ideology.

Before I was to carry out my plan, I thought that I would try that hospital in Ponoka, Ab. I arrived there just a mess and told them my problem or what I thought was my problem. Truth is it probably came out mixed with tears and anguish, overall just convoluted and all over the place, so not much to go on for them. They were nice and said although they do not accept walk ins, being that I came such a distance that they would make exception and I was given a bed
A couple of days had past and I was still a mess and they told me that the R.C.M.P were here and they wanted to search my vehicle for firearms and other weapons. First I'll say that although I had no weapons of any kind, I flatly told them NO! I was outraged, how dare they come and bother me at the hospital of all places after all I was only trying to get help for myself, had done nothing wrong and just how the hell did they know I was there over a hundred kilometers from home. After all they had done to me, lied and fabricated evidence, dragged me through the judicial system for years , torture and imprison me for nothing! Fortunate for me I was on the unit and given my frame of mind in such a fractured state from years of torment, I might have done or said something stupid, or was that their plan?

I immediately sought to check out, the fear of the R.C.M.P and my specific experiences (although not all cops are bad) was so overwhelming that I could envision multiple scenarios of them attempting to frame me again and the thoughts of going through all of that again reaffirmed my decision to end my life dare they while I was in a place of healing. The hospital hadn't called them I was assured and they had their own security so why did they show up? Perhaps they do not like the attention my blog has gotten.

The hospital didn't want me to go and stalled but I got my lawyer involved and was granted a discharged, I hightailed it out of the town and area as fast as I could. Driving I bartered with myself to give it one last chance at the Hospital where my former Doctor worked, the one who walked with me through the thickest of my ordeal. So discombobulated was I that I forgot he went to India every Winter and was not back yet.
At the second Hospital I showed up afraid, apologetic yet asking for help. Despite the fact that I had just checked out of another hospital and they knew that through the healthcare systems computer, they gave me a bed. The next morning I met a man who would change my life for the better. I told this Doctor all that was going on and had gone on, with respect he asked if I had anyway of verifying this ordeal and I gave hime phone numbers to certain persons within the system, some were his colleagues and he verified.

Almost immediately he told me about a medication used to completely suppress nightmares in P.T.S.D cases , I was floored that such a medication did exist and gratefully accepted it. Within days I was sleeping like I hadn't in so long. Daily this man would let me talk, interjecting properly. This was foreign to me because I had so much to say, so much to convey, so many questions and there was just never a proper platform for me to do so. Even though I wrote a blog, I was still alone and talking to myself and myself didn't have the answers.

His voice and demeanor maintained a calm, a non threatening presence. We discussed the P.T.S.D , the symptoms, the nightmares, the self loathing, suicidal behaviour  and for once I had answers, for once I wasn't made responsible, for once I didn't feel responsible, weird, out of place, abnormal. We got me weaned off of the prescribed drugs that I was on all those years to mask the P.T.S.D and depression. Of which I can tell you it was very uncomfortable, equally uncomfortable was not living behind a medicated mask but dealing in real time ,real life with the P.T.S.D. The flight or fight reaction activates the adrenaline and It really sucks being supercharged everyday. Problems with eyesight, sweating, shaking , the list goes on.
I was introduced to comprehensive psychological counselling, my time with that individual was irreplaceable. As was the courses in mindfulness, meditation. Secretly I called this group my (flower power group) at first very speculative but later I began to value this group, each session wanted me to attend another. I still called it the flower power group but it was now done so with respect and I urge everyone to try it out as it can and will help center a chaotic world you may be living in.

So the programming and the immense help I received yet another pleasant issue appeared. Of the few reports written on me and in matters related to my personal case. There are now 3 Psychiatrists, all well esteemed that have put to paper without the wiggle weasel words that in fact indeed I was tortured, raped and taken advantage of by the system that was set to protect me. They do not use the words "He alleges, He claims , He thinks" but rather they use the word " He was raped and tortured"
(I haven't decided yet if I will post these because personal information of theirs and as well as mine is included and to black it out goes against the whole complete transparency agenda. Also, these people went above and beyond for me, the difficulties I have received I wouldn't want to see them done to them)

I am pleased with the positive affirmation and it takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. Being that these gentlemen are Psychiatrists and I under their care for Psychiatric reasons, they could have dismissed me as a crack. Instead they verify me and all that I have been saying happened and their words had weight because another arm of the Government has read these reports, spoken to them via the telephone and the end result to that was the government will now issue me CPPD or Canada pension plan disability. For those of you unfamiliar with this it means in short that the government recognizes what has happened and will now pay me a modest sum monthly to live.

Will I ever receive full recognition? not sure,in fact I doubt it. However I will continue to beat on the doors of governance, gather the intellectual elite and I believe that one day I will receive justice. My Doctors and certain key Government supporters suggest that I write a book about my ordeal. Clearly I am no writer but I can tell someone what happened so if anyone knows a writer, please feel free to pass this along.

To men out there that have gone through similar plights and to those of you that will have the unfortunate fate of going through Hell, I have a few words for you. Its gunna suck, life as you have known it will forever change, you will never be the same again. However, you need to come forward and you need to document everything. You need to eat and exercise, care for yourself when there is no one to care for you. Fight hard and endless because no one is going to fight harder for you then you. Don't trust the Lawyers, they are a part of the problem unless you have the money to buy or rather rent one. I have no other words for you on this, you will have to make up most of it as you go but it all starts with caring for yourself , standing up and being accounted, refusing to go to the wholesale slaughter of men.

In the end I'll close with this memory. It was late at night, middle of torture, being questioned. I looked at one of the S.O.B'S and I told him "I'm gunna tell everybody what you peices of shit are doing" Since then I have and with as much transparency as possible without posting my address on the world wide web. Am I proud? Yes I am. Am I embarrassed that so much had to come out, so much personal info, my life a 2 bit saga for the world to pick apart.....yes I am embarrassed but I had to do this, had to lead by example and act like I got a pair. Not much else to say.



Monday, 29 February 2016

what's up lately

All though ashamed, I finally snapped under the load I had been carrying for so long.
I made it to a Hospital and I've been here over one month. I lied to many, put on a fake smile when required and no one knew just how indepth my depression had gotten. Not able to take the nightmares anymore, I dropped my wife off to work and just left. January 30th was to be my last day alive. Easy to ridicule unless you did so in my 11 1/2 and walked a while in them.
In the last month I found some peace at night, a smile though still rare in the day.
The god awful meds I was on were changed.
The price I paid, well it still goes on. My wife moved out and one day I'll get out and start all over. I miss my grandkids, miss a lot of everything....
This is going to be an ongoing Blog.
The withdrawals from the meds they have to me for 5 plus years, well to say the least is likened to the Hell from which I crawled out from. The great part is not only do the new meds work but they are non narcotic.Even the nightmares of my " special treatment"are subdued.

So I have kicked the dreaded medication that I was dangerously, legally addicted to. It wasn't easy and there was to say the least a few rough days. Now all of my meds to deal with the P.T.S.D are of non narcotic range. The Doctors have diagnosed me to be 'complex and severe P.T.S.D' . Lovely I thought, it gets worse. I am feeling alot better then I have in years and find myself actually being hopeful. It isn't dealing with the nightmare I called my life at the recluse government's hands. However I am in meditation classes, therapy classes and I am managing well.
They were impressed that I quit the prescription drugs so fast, I must admit that I too am impressed with myself. Turns out that there is a 'pill' out there that combats the nightmares.....absolutely fantastic and it works. Now I only question why that pill wasn't made available to myself years ago instead of doping me up but well that is the past.

More later

Monday, 25 January 2016

Cop found not guilty of Murder but guilty of attempted murder

This is the kind of shit that just pisses me off. Please watch the following:
Now this is Toronto, Sammy a Syrian refugee, confused and all he wanted to do was "call his dad because something is wrong" On a bus, small knife and alone and confused. police all wearing stab ,bullet proof vests. They have a number of options, one let him talk to his dad. Two , deploy a taser and or pepper spray.
What do they do? One officer shoots the 18 year old kid 3 times in rapid succession. The first round went through his heart killing him instantly, the second severed his spine so even if he lived he would be paralyzed for life, the 3rd was in the arm.
 You would think it tragic but over right there huh? WRONG officer Forcillo then waits 5 seconds and then shoots Sammies lifeless body 6! more times and then a few minutes go by and then they even taser him (which apparently was not a before mentioned thought) for a long time.

Today a jury of his peers found him NOT guilty of murder yet guilty of attempted murder because of the second barrage of bullets. They plan to appeal and I guarantee he will get away with it. Thugs in Uniform for the State. This is yet another day not to be proud to be Canadian!

The whole ordeal in Hd, you decide what happened and what he is guilty of:

Guilty or not guilty, please feel free to respond. It's only one or two words.

Sunday, 24 January 2016

With 4 Men To Hell And Back: Dean Esmay on MHRM Activism That Touched Re...

check the video link below.
Ironic that the only help that a guy can get is from outside your own country.
Mine is described first and then the other 3 lads.

The oath of allegiance to her Majesty the queen and her designates.

At first this is going to come across as a little seemingly racist or far fetched but I as well as many others believe there is something there. Born as a Canadian, we don't have to "swear an oath to our Government or the queen" WE are just , well us.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016


Several words bother me. Now I know this sounds as a ridiculous issue to blog about, going through what I and many others have, simple words or in a combination of words, sentence can make all the difference, thus it is called communicating.

Monday, 18 January 2016

Just another victim in "the best judicial system in the world"....for "Mr Henry" it will be an uphill battle .

THE ASSOCIATION IN DEFENCE OF THE WRONGLY CONVICTED 111 Peter Street, Suite 408 • Toronto, Ontario • M5V 2H1 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Supreme Court Ruling in Henry v. British Columbia (A.G.) A Tiny Step in the Right Direction

Saturday, 16 January 2016

coincidence or corruption?

I wish to explore these too words and you can let "it pass your own test of reason" as a friend of mine likes to put it.

a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection.
"it's no coincidence that this new burst of innovation has occurred in the free nations"

synonyms: accident, chance, serendipity, fortuity, providence, happenstance,fate;
a fluke
"too close to be mere coincidence"

correspondence in nature or in time of occurrence.
"the coincidence of interest between the mining companies and certain politicians"

synonyms: co-occurrence, coexistence, conjunction, simultaneity,contemporaneity, concomitance More


dishonest or fraudulent conduct by those in power, typically involving bribery.
"the journalist who wants to expose corruption in high places"

synonyms: dishonesty, unscrupulousness, double-dealing, fraud, fraudulence,misconduct, crime, criminality, wrongdoing; More
So now that we know the literal meaning of the words, lets begin and see if my case was coincidence or corruption.

1.My false accuser , without her mother sits and casually speaks just an hour before one of the most tragic things to take place alledge to have happened to strange males, seemingly as if by script of as if with a best friend about say a ball game.? further yet the alleged victim when given a chance to review her statement states" I never said that"?

2. My accuser accounts that "10 minutes ago he did this..." yet without a warrant, they take my finger nails and they are tested by their own crime lab, coming back as clearing me.

3. She alledges over time quite a violent encounter, such as choking and being punched in the head , her legs being forced apart when I was supposed to force myself on her, yet there isn't a single bruise, swelling or DNA on or in her.

4. Allegedly I was disrobed and ready to engage in sexual acts: yet her own mother swore she found myself fully clothed an in the kitchen when she arrived home, contentious because according to the alleged victim "when my mom came home he ran out of my room"

5. Why was there no child advocate, parent or female officer or Psychologist involved in the original interviews?

6. She states it rained so hard that she had to change her clothes that day: The officers on that shift knew it didn't rain.  Years later the polling stations weather results were read in court by the alleged victim, despite there being 4 polling stations, she admits to the fact that it didn't rain and in fact only rained .4 mm the entire month, no where near the date in question.

7. This same accuser had accused multiple others, including 2 after myself and has always recanted or was found to be a habitual attention seeker, or lying.

8. The very day, earlier I was accused I was diagnosed with a herniated disk. The L5/S1 and not only could I not pick up 20 pounds but could neither sit , lay down or stand for prolonged periods and was in a full back harness. Of which police themselves removed later that day.

9. I was needlessly jailed for a lengthy time and when released on 5'000.00 no cash bail I was placed under 24 hour house arrest and not allowed to assume or resume my job as an engineer, nor was I allowed within hundreds of kilometers of my community, home, truck, belongings , friends, possessions. Instead I was forced to live hundreds of kilometers away and forced to pay extortionate rent or return to jail, where ever they decided.

10. Her mother paid my first and last months rent, sent all new clothes, bedding, smokes, snacks and even money.

11. Her mother wrote a letter on my behalf without my request after she had sent her own 15 year old away to her god mothers. The letter was sealed into evidence in a court of queens bench and still to this day I have yet to read it.

12. Police would constantly charge me, disrupt my bail only to be re bailed and charges later dropped.

13. We have constitutional rights to "a speedy trial" usually 6/10 months to conclusion and mine took years

14. She never showed up for the preliminary enquiry stating "she forgot "when a judge ordered her to do so just 3 days prior, thus delaying the case for years.

15. The crown attorney made excuse for her and was in fact lying to the judge, later to lie to another  in regards to her where beings, excuse for the delay stating "she had a prior medical appointment with a psychologist regarding the matter at hand that they were unaware of. She later to rebut and say "no I was at a party, go on about drugs, drunk driving, older people....etc"

16. Why was my case held in 3 separate venues , hundreds of kilometers away, take over a year just to conclude the preliminary enquiry and was entertained by 2 separate crown members.

17. why did the original crown quit?

18. Why was there even a 3rd crown for the trial alone?

19. Why did the evidence officer from the R.C.M.P state that "they had destroyed ALL the evidence before the trial?

20. coincidence or corruption that I was charged with 33 counts of assault against police,causing bodily harm, later reduced to 13 and they went by way of summarily instead of indictable unless by going by way of misdemeanor under law meant that I was not entitled to a jury trial?

21.After the primary charges being forcefully acquitted because of her confession to perjury did I remain for years under the same said bail conditions with slight variations for years more?

22.coincidence yet still that out of the pool of judges I draw the judge who was the "deputy minister of justice for Alberta while undergoing the last trial?

23. coincidence that even though this was a misdemeanor or summarily charged, this case despite constitutional rights went 3 years as well?

24. coincidence? that even after all the evidence and the lack of evidence refused to be brought in, in this particular case all my witnesses such as video cameras and living breathing witnesses were all lying for me  and I was found guilty?

25. Coincidence that even after being found guilty the sentencing was put off until just weeks after the statute of limitations ran out for me to sue the ministry of justice, crown, Province of Alberta and indeed my accusers and while grateful, I was only given a one year community sentence for assaulting police?
26. The day before the trial they had a "voir dire hearing" to quantify, solidify and justify police actions, reports and their word. Each was ruled not credible, yet it went no further, coincidence?

27. 2 of the 4 police officers had several complaints against them, one was involved in the actions resulting in mass casualties and deaths while on the job, the anniversary of that date for him was the day before I believe. Heavy load to carry on an anniversary that resulted in 9 deaths and the biggest joint venture lawsuit in Alberta's history......coincidence?, corruption?...or a prelude to a faulty investigation.

So in the end there wasn't a pubic hair, shred of evidence, not any swelling and or a bruise, no broken bones and zero signs of struggle. 3 months into this DNA even cleared me, yet for all the years I got no apology, no explanation but a forced acquittal based on the confession by her under oath in front of  a jury. coincidence or corruption?

I could go on, I merely share this with you as a warning and as a way for myself to reconcile, understand what the hell happened and move on. By the way have you ever heard of so many coincidences? I'm excited as a child because with this coincidental luck I gotta be due for a lottery....I digest.

Making a Murderer. Deputy calls in tag. Episode 5

I think this guy says it all. Before the vehicle was ever found ( November 3rd and the vehicle was found on Steve Avery's property on the 5th and when they find it on his property there is no license plate?), days before ever being found on Steve's property. This guy is clearly  lying and his testimony is total bull shit, let it pass your own test of reason and remember THIS guy was instrumental on the original framing and continued incarceration of an innocent man for multiple years. Additionally he was one of two that "were not supposed to be in the new investigation " and yet was there alone with another crony "not supposed to be there" that found the key  to the poor girls car and yet it is absolutely void of any of her DNA, just Steve's and yet this key was never discovered after 3 other searches by "those called in to do a fair and impartial investigation.

Friday, 15 January 2016

And then it hit me....but will it last?

My day didn't start out special, nothing was out of the ordinary. In fact it kind of started of shitty as when I drove my wife to work I got caught speeding!.Yup, and cold too. I was just saying to myself , "hey you might wanna slow down a bit" and I looked up and a cop walked out in the road and flashed me to pull over.

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Judging the judges

In almost two decades of practice, criminal lawyer Paul Slansky had never complained about a judge. But one day in July 2004, he resolved to change that. Ontario Superior Court Justice Robert Thompson had just ordered him confined to the courthouse in Owen Sound, Ont., while jurors deliberated on the fate of his client, Vytautas Baltrusaitis, who was charged with murder. Toronto-based Slansky, who was staying at a hotel just a couple of minutes’ walk from the courthouse, viewed the move as malicious and petty. “However this conduct was merely the straw that broke the camel’s back,” Slansky wrote in an affidavit following the trial he called “the most difficult of my career.”

Baltrusaitis was acquitted by the jury, but no thanks to Thompson, in Slansky’s opinion. “It was more than obvious, in my professional view as counsel for the accused, that Justice Thompson, through his actions, demeanour, and rulings, was making it clear that he was doing his best to ensure a conviction,” he wrote. Slansky and Thompson repeatedly clashed during the nine-month trial and the preceding pretrial motions. In his complaint to the Canadian Judicial Council, Slansky accused the judge of being biased, rude, abusive, and bullying.

Monday, 4 January 2016

Do we need to re write the meaning of words?

We all know what I went through but I feel compelled to bring to light certain aspects and what exactly their true meaning is. Charged with a crime , yes I was. Given a fair trial? No I don't believe so as the witness interrupted the Crown while under chief examination and stated " I have a confession" This after years of myself pleading my case, pleading my innocence in the matter at hand and despite that there was never a single piece of evidence of ANY nature that I had committed any crime. I have touched on this before but I want to get a little more in detail about the matter and you let it pass your own test of reason.

Saturday, 2 January 2016

A search for the truth after the red pill.

I had grown up in what some would say a "harsh environment" , subjected to unusual parents and then a very unusual system. Eager to please my rescuers, more properly pronounced as my captures. I had set out to change my ways entirely from everything you could possibly imagine.
Whether it be thought, moral compass the bending will of compliance within my own soul and including up to my religious beliefs.

Friday, 1 January 2016

Moby - Extreme Ways....tick tock

Extreme ways.....You tell too much, you'll pay for it in the end. That which you thought was your friend becomes your foe ineffectual. Unless you play the "game"

"Extreme sounds that told me They held me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't give up the light

I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never open up to anything
That could get me at all

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things could cut me
Too much can make me blind

I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe"

In order to make it through this, I've had to shut myself down. Rather simple to do, curious as it is much more difficult to find where I left myself. Naturally, I have had to segment myself while segmenting what occurred to myself. There was just too much.
I knew I had to be completely entrenched in mind and spirit. Knew that I had to become completely transparent, without it there was room for doubt from others. I knew I had to isolate issues, things that happened to me as I simply couldn't bare it all.
The openness or transparency has come to haunt me in the day to day, the issues entrenched have worn my mind as has the sheer unbelievable amount of distress.
So now where am I?, issues left too long to fester, entrenched so long I'm afraid to come out. Like a light switch its very easy to turn it off, go without, close a door. In the now, I'm in need. Going without so long has harmed me. Not so easy is it to find the light switch to turn the light back on when you can't find the door , see in the dark......foolish I know but I doubt to ever be the same, even to locate the soul. 

Ended up in the hospital again, week this time. My drug dealers told me its possible to up the meds. 1200 mg of valium per month, 2375 mg of trimipramine for the nightmares.....yeah I just might be fucked. Although, they did a brain scan this time and that is all normal too. I think its kinda fucked you seek help and they medicate, short stay even though I guess I asked the doctor to kill me and woke up with every tube known to man kind in me.....but thanks for the egg salad sandwiches and the encouragement to be more manly.

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

A couple Quotes

These 2 quotes have significant meaning to myself. They should to others as well.

"I never desire to converse with a man who has written more than he has read. He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
and: "We can all sa that we are never going to commit a crime. But we cannot ever guarantee that someone won't accuse us of a crime and if that happens?, then good luck in this criminal justice system"

tick tock, tick tock...who's turn will be next?

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Netflix - Making A Murderer - Episode 1 36 million reasons why to frame a man

How prophetic the words "they aren't done yet". I encourage you to watch this episode and what the follow ups, they end up framing him for murder again. I cannot imagine what this man has endured.

As far as I end up knowing he and now his nephew rot in prison, this case is riffe with police corruption and there is one simple way to put and end to it.

There is a preservative in the blood samples, whole tubes of them ( that someone withdrew an amount with a hypodermic needle)  the DNA samples in the new case needs to be tested for that preservative. But then again, does anyone care? it isn't popular and to be twice falsely railroaded by police, the thoughts of what happened to him, his family and their lives, the very fact of our society and views of policing, corruption is just staggering.
Fact police framed him before and it wasn't until he seeked recompense of 36 million that he was framed again. 36 million reasons why to frame a man.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

I Had a dream...different from the others.

The other night , I dreamed of having my own home.My place if you will, others can join and feel secure but it would be my accomplishment in life. Some may say my goals were set too low but ever since I was a young boy I just wanted my own home.
I was well on the way of accomplishing this goal when I was accused. Made some renovations, damn near worked like an ant on that thing, until it got ripped from my hands.
In my dream I debated myself, "you should have accomplished this long ago, you know your 43?" "yes but I can do it again, start over...I am a driven man". "No" said my dream, you failed , you've come so far to fail and time is no longer on your side. I protest, "you don't know me....lalaland all the things I would do in the most dangerous of homes to turn it into my palace." Face it , you failed, it's too late. "You failed the first 43, why not just give up"?
A dream can convince you of things, silently you may agree, adolescently you'll build on, despite the facts.
        I tossed and turned all night with that dream, eventually to lose, lose hope for the solitude, the pride, the ingenuity and the work, job well done. First time I ever arise feeling hopeless.Reminds me of one of my favorite movies, long old, long gone but to the right person a glimmer of hope. Enjoy this was me, this was you and so many others...robbed whilst we dreamt of a goodness.

Saturday, 12 December 2015

The Logical Song

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
Joyfully, playfully
watching me.
But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible,
Logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
Clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned

I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.

Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
Liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!

At night, when all the world's asleep,
The questions run so deep

For such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.

Just a song or a future prophetic version of society a friend says "let it pass your own test of reason"......just make sure you fall in line an dare not to step out least you be "Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
Liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!"

At night, when all the world's asleep,
The questions run so deep.....that is half the issue, while we sleep and they scheme.

elevator music.....sir do you mind if we put you on hold? !wait....

So as directed by the courts and probation officer and as a part of my community sentence for "assaults on 11 police officers" while I faced persecution for being a falsely accused rapist.
I went and participated in what was described to me as Qoute" Joe it's just a one time screening and the reason for it is because back a few years ago while you faced charges of sexual assault, you had drank a fifth of vodka and took a bottle of pills " ,"they will probably just write a blurb report to us that you do not need counselling and it was just a situational issue, no need for concern and that will be good enough for us and we will drop the issue.

So I went down there, filled out their mountain of paperwork, sat and waited for the "counsellor" all the while bothered by the fact that they had DSM questions regarding mental stability...suicide, attempts, when ,ect. Dsm for those not in the know is

"Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" and is primarily used by forensic psychologist and psychiatrists, those trained and educated in its application and it shouldn't be put in the hands of someone who is NOT trained to be referring to it such as a drug and alcohol counsellor who I might add has the largest field of "They themselves being recovered addicts"Somehow they have jockeyed themselves into a position of "a therapist" and knowledge based by hands on use and disuse of drugs and what not, ridiculous.

So being that I have P.T.S.D which is actually assign and diagnosed by a QUALIFIED physician, this group decides to prob why I am there and ask questions about suicide based on questions formed from the DSM.

She calls me in, doesn't introduce herself or shake hands. Silently studies my demeanor while constantly making notes.

She says "why haven't you filled out the DSM questions?" I said " Do you know what triggers are"? she says yes". Well I say, these questions trigger me and are extremely personal, besides I don't know who you are and You're definitely not qualified to be dissecting my brain, you aren't even a doctor".

Well she says" are you suicidal, do you have thought and or a plan? I said hell yes I am suicidal and relate my story with her and in fact ask her if in my shoe's wouldn't she be and she agreed.

WELL RIGHT then, so let's move on to either you discussing this with my doctors and or my probation officer, she states that I would have to sign a waiver. LET"S do it I said, "well I don't have any right now", she says.

So I politely ask her to go and get some? She say's she will but continues to probe suicide, I said "look you're not qualified to probe my brain, clearly you know that, else we would be signing the waivers and you know they aren't going to discuss with you.

You are to asses if I am an alcoholic and or drug addict because while at the worst time of my life I attempted suicide by over medicating while having a drink. I haven't done so again, learned to seek help when I need it, have a team of doctors and really don't need you feeling like I am in jeopardy and calling the nut squad on me, furthering my PTSD.

All the while she took calls, very important woman she is and would put me on HOLD so to speak, or if she was doing her annoying fucking writing and not paying attention. In the end she states" I don't know who informed you that this was a one time appointment, there are actually quite a few and personally I find you aggressive and aloof, long winded and not answering my questions, our time is nearly up." Just how am I to take a 5 year ordeal and wrap it up in 10 minutes?

Well I said considering you hold no qualifications to being a doctor , why play doctor? Why don't you call my P.O? she states" I can discuss nothing with him" and in the end we never did sign any waivers, nor did she attempt.

So please stand by while I place you on hold and I hope you enjoy the fucked song.....actually it is good and would be applicable to all the drugs that they have had me on for years, no doubt with upcoming adverse issues, 40 mg of diazepam per day then the sleeping pills of 75 mg's, someone better tie me down.....Ironic that I am having to show that I am not a drug addict while being legally pumped full of them for years, and by the way, I don't drink but after a day like yesterday, wouldn't I be human to consider it....yet intellectually sound enough to realize that it wouldn't help.
If I am supposed to report in to her, them and they are to generate a report, yet cannot do so because they have no authorization to discuss these issues with the powers that be, yet don't even have the forms for me to sign "authorizing" them to discuss it and she can't even phone my Probation officer, refuse to accept his number..........exactly why did I waste several hours of my day?

My thoughts: "So are you suicidal"?.....please hold... well yes I have been for 5 years, they all know it. "do you have a plan...hold please Which one , which time? Do you have a plan today....hold please. From the back to the fore front of my mind comes thoughts of losing EVERYTHING, hey bud she is triggering you, since you're so well versed in triggers yet unqualified to be probing, I really didn't TODAY until you mentioned it and made me momentarily reminisce and relive horror. "oh and what is your plan"? Look lady, I know when I need to seek help, I know to add illicit drugs or alcohol to my otherwise convoluted, long winded, tale of woe would do me no good to add a depressant on an otherwise depressed situation.
Still, what are your credentials? I'm an engineer, want to see my credentials ?
"so we are done here for today" and she escorts me to the pass code elevator and still no signing of waivers and yeah, that's how that went.
Ironic I have an engineering degree, no job and no office in a nice warm building built like fort knoxs....yet she has shit on the wall and can't give me a straight answer. It all comes down to justifying a system and if we played it back in rewind it would probably make more sense, hell even throw in the chipmunk voices on speed rewind, probably understand something

Thursday, 3 December 2015

The sound and meaning of music

I used to think that a song was just a song, immature was to reflect upon a song in the different stages of your life but I figure I am completely wrong. There are those that can write poetry, music and while it may have one meaning for them that produce it, it can also have a different meaning for another.

We hear it everyday, seriously just try to remember not hearing a song at least multiple times per day. It could be the radio on the way to work, a jingle or a song for every t.v show , movie we watch, hell we don't even buy anything without the perfect song to go with the advertisement of some product.

If we go to church, we sing. Prepare for the holiday's, there is plenty of music for that

It is of little doubt the power of music in just too many ways to imagine.

"Many people do, however, share a general idea of music. The Webster's definition of music is a typical example: "the science or art of ordering tones or sounds in succession, in combination, and in temporal relationships to produce a composition having unity and continuity" (Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, on line edition)."

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

They say the "5 stages"....

I began writing this Blog for many reasons. One of which was that it was in a format that I could talk and get things off my chest when I simply had more to say than those around me could endure or I would write out that which bothered me and I felt no one simply gave a shit.

Near 5 years of court, trials although "they" pretended that they were separate incidents were in fact ALL connected in a very close and intimate way. I have said this many times and many times I was told "no the courts see them as separate matters" Then they give you the look, the look like "you're just not intelligent enough to get it", the look like " trust me , this is how it works",etc.

Now I don't feel that I am stupid, yes I have a limited education but I do have a degree in engineering. So while people would yell at me (attorney's) to accept plea deals, "this is the way the system is" or try to convince me with a learnt look, bunch of backwards babbling misplaced seemingly educated words....I would often think to myself " does day not come after the night"?, "does one step come after another on a set of stairs"? "one rung of a ladder to the next, hence it qualifies as a ladder"? " for them to come to work wasn't there steps and were they singular motions or a set of events that led them to work"?
Endlessly I would get served bullshit like this with a helping of a convincing look, apathetic look,or an affirmative "trust me I'm smarter look" I can only liken their fragmented , meaningless words, sentences and speeches to this: "Where does the white go when the snow melts"? I absorbed the gibberish, would block it out when I could but each time was like a punch in the face and made as much sense to me as my one attorney that said "even though you were acquitted of the principle charges that started this all, all that time you did in jail was a FREE BEE and they want more time because the courts see it as a separate matter that you assaulted a police officer"

Well we all know it is over so"party on right"? For a small example the last few days I have been hyper vigilant, extremely easily angered at someones stupid driving mistake. Angered at the most mundane and meaningless things, even inanimate objects. I can't sleep for shit, I'm restless,confused, angry and my head just buzzes.
All last night in the moments I would sleep I would dream of remodelling my home, step by step. Over an over again, only to look at the clock and 20 minutes give or take has passed! Unreal the shit you can dream in such a short period of time.

I have proven my innocence in court so much and that is just what I was accused of. While awaiting a trial and in jail I was raped, not proud at all. In fact it has bothered me so much I could simply flip right the fuck out. However, a sane person has to pick the battles in order to win the war. To add to that which was already such a convoluted ,long story was already on the edge of unbelievability.
So back burner was put the rape that happened twice  so that I could have wherewithal and fight the battles to win the war. Segmenting and denying my own feelings just because to simply add to the whole thing might be misconstrued as a person with mental health issues.
I assure you, other than the P.T.S.D  "he suffers from no major mental health issues" and so convinced was my Foe that they would have me retested and retested again, allegate, allege all the while......same outcome.
Why was I raped? because I was an accused rapist and that was how these individuals taught rapists lessons. Why for real? I think they were just sick fucks. How? Well they held the keys to my cell and what better victim that would be unbelieved then someone who was in my state, position. Hell they could have cut off my arm and I complained, those in power would find some way to blame me for my arm loss.....never once would they say "hey maybe this guy is telling the truth"
The one guy I haven't seen until the day of my release, the other years later when I seen him working as a sheriff that transports prisoners, can you believe they actually gave this guy a gun!? I would stare at him, contemplate wrong but then just block it out and focus at the task at hand.....deny myself everything.
I was amazed as I looked around at all the people who just carried on as normal and I thought "if they only knew what kind of monster (armed non the less) roamed around them they would come out of their skin if they seen and went through what that guy can do"
 So I looked it up, trying to figure out what is going on with me, rudimentary but you get the idea as do I and I figure this is going to be one hell of a battle as I have yet to win the war. Trouble is, I'm not certain I have the wherewithal anymore. To simply draw out the process for so very long and suppress myself so very long will no doubt inadvertently make all of my emotions ,thoughts and feelings to overlay, mix up and be discombobulated , insuring recovery will be extensively long if at all possible.
I'm at about hurdle two and yes where they all appear to be "different", "separate" They still are hurdles and there will be no "free bee's"

Saturday, 28 November 2015

short ode's to PTSD...... A life changed.

I have written a blog for some time now. In the separate matter dealing with P.T.S.D alone , I simply cannot put to words the thoughts and feelings in a manner that is coherent and decisive. so  People can't understand it until you deal with it and if you cannot explain what "it "is adequately to another then they simply don't know what the F your talking about.

I found some people who have, I understand them as they are me and I am them but we are different. When they can, in short sentences verbalize the identity of the perpetrator. My hats off to them. I certainly hope that they didn't mind that I borrowed them:

Mike Essig
Apr 7
The Geometry Of Self-Destruction

~ short ode to PTSD

Though capable of rage,
I am harmless enough
except when cornered.

If you decide
to visit my life,
just be sure
we always sit
in a circle.
- mce

Feb 4 Feb 5

Why go back
when you can move forward?
I face this question
each day I breathe.
It's not always so easy
to answer.

Tatiana Cody
Feb 13, 2011





backyard ptsd

acid flashback in the trees
frenzied branches feathered leaves
swaying seizing in the breeze
forming shapes that his mind sees
scattered thoughts attention free


I wanted our love to be like the romance movies
I reached too far, and put down the pencil
I never finished writing our story


A memory triggered, triggers the thoughts and the names called call the shots. Night by night the thoughts grow and the next thing you know you're tying rope.

I will end with this one that I myself wrote as I reflect on the picture of a  tortured message in a book. This is about as close as I can come to truly explaining how it is for myself.
 "You could be triggered by a word that sends you into a trance. Your soul speaks as your lips can't move and your brain switches to a different mood.
 All you want to do is read this book but your memory reminds you of all they took.
 Rest you say is all you need to get up and live to fight another day, a mockery to the real depth that you pay.
 while you rest the imagination plays , the sounds, smell and touch never go away.
 Laugh and mock though they may, somehow you fight another day.
As you sit awake in haze, drenched in sweat from the maze.
Your mate asks you about your craze state, you simply dawn your fake face and offer a meaningless false assured smile in the dark, you dare not speak your heart.
Silently wonder 'Am I falling apart'?
My own words about PTSD.

Ironic how most of us will openly say we aren't afraid of anything , odd as their is this simply this feeling of fear yet we or at least I know that I am not a timid person. Equally odd the open threat that you may very well not be trusted to become violent, yet you aren't by nature a violent person, nor have committed violent acts. it is as if you are not you anymore, the fear and anger unexplained while in true life the scariest thing real or  imaginable doesn't get a rise from you. Part of the soul gone? I don't know, fear of death no longer there you have faced that fear and died, yet you continue to live but your altered. I try and understand thins thing and I can't.

If someone or someone's were to break into my home tonight the last thing would be for me to call police, it would be systematically too late for them.....yet a nightmare can send me into a trance where I am so full of fear that Sometimes I dare not move, yet the more the moments go by my mood calms, memory fades. I don't want to hold on to the memory as I know its crooked and corrupt and my body's defense for myself....its the all unknowing, the lack of understandable, the irrational, the rasp of being just half dead, the life has left yet the soul imitates.

It's like the constant "Hi ,How are you? "oh great", "living the dream", "can't complain" and quickly you deflect it back on to them as you have just told a lie,"And you" or "and how are you"?. You're hurting , dead within but you know that polite greetings isn't an invitation of shit and even if you were to say something, even small yet odd in the sense of the just made everything uncomfortable and you may just have been closest to discerning how a person with PTSD feels everyday. Uncomfortable, agitated, fearful of the unknown, half dead ,something missing but you don't want to be troublesome.Pretending to be okay, pretending to live, the walking, talking dead.

The half soul

Friday, 27 November 2015

To find a "cause", we need only look in our own backyards.

To find a "cause", we need only look in our own backyards but we don't. What I am addressing specifically is homelessness and hunger as well as mental health issues such as P.T.S.D.
Recently Canada elected a new Prime Minister and one of his promises was to transplant 25'000 Syrian refugees to Canada by Christmas. Why? because it was pressure, popular?

There are local news agencies saying that he has promised 600 million to the issue to care and educate these "refugees", roughly that adds up to about 35'000.00 per yer per person. Canadian as caring as we are are also bringing an additional 10'000 over. I watched the local news on Global National and I quote "they will be settled in ares that are specific to their needs and no doubt each of them suffers from P.T.S.D ! Yes I can believe they do suffer from that, especially the little ones. Yet there is more, "they will only bring families over, gays and Lesbians but not single men"

We have a long course of previous governments completely ignoring the P.T.S.D issue amongst our own soldiers and here is one article:
 We have also had our soldiers live in shelters, poverty and worse. Another arcticle:,d.cGU
So what exactly are we doing and saying?.....that isn't just popular gibberish? Many police officers face P.T.S.D as well and go left untreated to suffer, between them and the soldiers I would rather spend yet even another billion on them but we don't, we ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist. There is dog shit in our own yard yet we look as far as we can and offer to pick up some other Nations issues, or point out "hey you got dog shit over there".,d.cGU

Assad was DEMOCRATICALLY elected! for even a second time during war!. His people chose him, yet they fight against him!. You now end up with this mess we now call "refugees" these people uprised against their democratically , twice elected in government and its not criminal to the west!. Here at home we would be deemed terrorists, threats against National security, charged , jailed. Hell we can't even protest peacefully without this happening:,d.cGU