Extreme ways.....You tell too much, you'll pay for it in the end. That which you thought was your friend becomes your foe ineffectual. Unless you play the "game"
"Extreme sounds that told me They held me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't give up the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never open up to anything
That could get me at all
I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things could cut me
Too much can make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe"
In order to make it through this, I've had to shut myself down. Rather simple to do, curious as it is much more difficult to find where I left myself. Naturally, I have had to segment myself while segmenting what occurred to myself. There was just too much.
I knew I had to be completely entrenched in mind and spirit. Knew that I had to become completely transparent, without it there was room for doubt from others. I knew I had to isolate issues, things that happened to me as I simply couldn't bare it all.
The openness or transparency has come to haunt me in the day to day, the issues entrenched have worn my mind as has the sheer unbelievable amount of distress.
So now where am I?, issues left too long to fester, entrenched so long I'm afraid to come out. Like a light switch its very easy to turn it off, go without, close a door. In the now, I'm in need. Going without so long has harmed me. Not so easy is it to find the light switch to turn the light back on when you can't find the door , see in the dark......foolish I know but I doubt to ever be the same, even to locate the soul.
Ended up in the hospital again, week this time. My drug dealers told me its possible to up the meds. 1200 mg of valium per month, 2375 mg of trimipramine for the nightmares.....yeah I just might be fucked. Although, they did a brain scan this time and that is all normal too. I think its kinda fucked you seek help and they medicate, short stay even though I guess I asked the doctor to kill me and woke up with every tube known to man kind in me.....but thanks for the egg salad sandwiches and the encouragement to be more manly.