Saturday, 30 April 2016

Going Forward.....

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like".

Lao Tzu

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life".
Steve Jobs

Words of wisdom from those far more naturally gifted than I. Although I dare to borrow them, I do so  as a way to collectively attempt to make sense of that which is non sensible and place a positive spin on that which has occurred while adapting the approach taught to me recently over the last few months... "Joe you needn't agree with it but you need to accept it, else you cannot move forward"

Very true indeed but the first time this was said to me I about had a heart attack. I was stuck on the word ACCEPT, every other well placed and meaningful word was tuned out. My God man I am not accepting you know what they did? Over time my ears allowed the rest of the message to seep though, thankfully because they were right and I do believe that they saved my life.
So I am out of hospital now, easily could have stayed longer but not so easy am I. I did stay over a few months and to reflect on that time I can say nothing negative. In fact my eagerness for discharge was probably to do with the fact that the experience was so wonderful, calm and cleansing that I began to fear never wanting to leave.

Somewhere towards the end of January one day I just up and left home without telling anyone. The depression and the suicidal thoughts coupled with the constant nightmares just got the better of me and I was so filled with self loathing that it just compounded all the effects and added to the confusion of it all because why would I hate myself ? What had I done wrong and why was I so hard on myself?
I had been researching P.T.S.D and a certain hospital that dealt with the brain. I knew I was in jeopardy but that was all I knew. Without outside intervention its like knowing you have a problem but can't understand the problem or what it is. All that was clear to myself was I needed a way out, needed it desperately and my out was suicide in a way that would be the less obtrusive way to those that I knew or would find me and that is a trap in itself because any way you put a twist on it suicide is final and very selfish. A very hard thing to deal with but looking back I can see that I still had care and respect for life and others even though I would venture to say you would never hear me verbalise that ideology.

Before I was to carry out my plan, I thought that I would try that hospital in Ponoka, Ab. I arrived there just a mess and told them my problem or what I thought was my problem. Truth is it probably came out mixed with tears and anguish, overall just convoluted and all over the place, so not much to go on for them. They were nice and said although they do not accept walk ins, being that I came such a distance that they would make exception and I was given a bed
A couple of days had past and I was still a mess and they told me that the R.C.M.P were here and they wanted to search my vehicle for firearms and other weapons. First I'll say that although I had no weapons of any kind, I flatly told them NO! I was outraged, how dare they come and bother me at the hospital of all places after all I was only trying to get help for myself, had done nothing wrong and just how the hell did they know I was there over a hundred kilometers from home. After all they had done to me, lied and fabricated evidence, dragged me through the judicial system for years , torture and imprison me for nothing! Fortunate for me I was on the unit and given my frame of mind in such a fractured state from years of torment, I might have done or said something stupid, or was that their plan?

I immediately sought to check out, the fear of the R.C.M.P and my specific experiences (although not all cops are bad) was so overwhelming that I could envision multiple scenarios of them attempting to frame me again and the thoughts of going through all of that again reaffirmed my decision to end my life dare they while I was in a place of healing. The hospital hadn't called them I was assured and they had their own security so why did they show up? Perhaps they do not like the attention my blog has gotten.

The hospital didn't want me to go and stalled but I got my lawyer involved and was granted a discharged, I hightailed it out of the town and area as fast as I could. Driving I bartered with myself to give it one last chance at the Hospital where my former Doctor worked, the one who walked with me through the thickest of my ordeal. So discombobulated was I that I forgot he went to India every Winter and was not back yet.
At the second Hospital I showed up afraid, apologetic yet asking for help. Despite the fact that I had just checked out of another hospital and they knew that through the healthcare systems computer, they gave me a bed. The next morning I met a man who would change my life for the better. I told this Doctor all that was going on and had gone on, with respect he asked if I had anyway of verifying this ordeal and I gave hime phone numbers to certain persons within the system, some were his colleagues and he verified.

Almost immediately he told me about a medication used to completely suppress nightmares in P.T.S.D cases , I was floored that such a medication did exist and gratefully accepted it. Within days I was sleeping like I hadn't in so long. Daily this man would let me talk, interjecting properly. This was foreign to me because I had so much to say, so much to convey, so many questions and there was just never a proper platform for me to do so. Even though I wrote a blog, I was still alone and talking to myself and myself didn't have the answers.

His voice and demeanor maintained a calm, a non threatening presence. We discussed the P.T.S.D , the symptoms, the nightmares, the self loathing, suicidal behaviour  and for once I had answers, for once I wasn't made responsible, for once I didn't feel responsible, weird, out of place, abnormal. We got me weaned off of the prescribed drugs that I was on all those years to mask the P.T.S.D and depression. Of which I can tell you it was very uncomfortable, equally uncomfortable was not living behind a medicated mask but dealing in real time ,real life with the P.T.S.D. The flight or fight reaction activates the adrenaline and It really sucks being supercharged everyday. Problems with eyesight, sweating, shaking , the list goes on.
I was introduced to comprehensive psychological counselling, my time with that individual was irreplaceable. As was the courses in mindfulness, meditation. Secretly I called this group my (flower power group) at first very speculative but later I began to value this group, each session wanted me to attend another. I still called it the flower power group but it was now done so with respect and I urge everyone to try it out as it can and will help center a chaotic world you may be living in.

So the programming and the immense help I received yet another pleasant issue appeared. Of the few reports written on me and in matters related to my personal case. There are now 3 Psychiatrists, all well esteemed that have put to paper without the wiggle weasel words that in fact indeed I was tortured, raped and taken advantage of by the system that was set to protect me. They do not use the words "He alleges, He claims , He thinks" but rather they use the word " He was raped and tortured"
(I haven't decided yet if I will post these because personal information of theirs and as well as mine is included and to black it out goes against the whole complete transparency agenda. Also, these people went above and beyond for me, the difficulties I have received I wouldn't want to see them done to them)

I am pleased with the positive affirmation and it takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. Being that these gentlemen are Psychiatrists and I under their care for Psychiatric reasons, they could have dismissed me as a crack. Instead they verify me and all that I have been saying happened and their words had weight because another arm of the Government has read these reports, spoken to them via the telephone and the end result to that was the government will now issue me CPPD or Canada pension plan disability. For those of you unfamiliar with this it means in short that the government recognizes what has happened and will now pay me a modest sum monthly to live.

Will I ever receive full recognition? not sure,in fact I doubt it. However I will continue to beat on the doors of governance, gather the intellectual elite and I believe that one day I will receive justice. My Doctors and certain key Government supporters suggest that I write a book about my ordeal. Clearly I am no writer but I can tell someone what happened so if anyone knows a writer, please feel free to pass this along.

To men out there that have gone through similar plights and to those of you that will have the unfortunate fate of going through Hell, I have a few words for you. Its gunna suck, life as you have known it will forever change, you will never be the same again. However, you need to come forward and you need to document everything. You need to eat and exercise, care for yourself when there is no one to care for you. Fight hard and endless because no one is going to fight harder for you then you. Don't trust the Lawyers, they are a part of the problem unless you have the money to buy or rather rent one. I have no other words for you on this, you will have to make up most of it as you go but it all starts with caring for yourself , standing up and being accounted, refusing to go to the wholesale slaughter of men.

In the end I'll close with this memory. It was late at night, middle of torture, being questioned. I looked at one of the S.O.B'S and I told him "I'm gunna tell everybody what you peices of shit are doing" Since then I have and with as much transparency as possible without posting my address on the world wide web. Am I proud? Yes I am. Am I embarrassed that so much had to come out, so much personal info, my life a 2 bit saga for the world to pick apart.....yes I am embarrassed but I had to do this, had to lead by example and act like I got a pair. Not much else to say.



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