To those of you that have read my blog, my thanks. It has been incredibly rough these near 4 years and this Thursday the matter is to be finalized in court. When the judge will come back with his verdict is anywhere between 30 to 60 days. In case I am imprisoned I thought I'd write a final blog. I pondered what I would say for months now. Would I be further confrontational towards those that have put me through hell for years? attempt to show the corruption more indepthly? Rage? Anger? Whine? In the end I figured it best to end in a happy one as there is more to life and that I need to hold on to.
I would be lying to you if I said that " I'm not frightened" as imprisonment is all too possible. I am frightened, lived on the edge for all this time and come to realize that P.T.S.D is no joke and I must figure a way to get some help to recover from all that has gone on. That being said, incarceration will not help at all and I fear for myself as one can imagine, just how much can a man take.
I fear losing my family, starting over again,leaving them in jeopardy.Nearly all of you have read some of my blog, some all of it as it began before my first trial where I was falsely accused and given an acquittal via because of a confession. What you do not know is my personal life that has gone on while all of this carried on.
As of date, while I had lost everything I have regained some. I have gotten married!, never did that before. The woman I married has stuck with me through the worst of times and even calmed me when I've had the nightmares. can't even begin to understand how it has been for her. Mere words cannot exactly explain the heart, my feeling towards this person for all that she has done.
I lost my pets that I originally cared for but I got new ones and true to fashion, I took in those left un wanted.
My new daughter in law gave birth to twin boys. They were born 3 months premature and there were times that many told us that they wouldn't make it. Deeply troubling while being in troubling times for us all. At the time when I was numb to everything and even didn't want to continue living, Grandma and I set out and traveled to pray over those boys in their incubators. We were told a whole gamut of adversities these boys faced like a hole in ones heart, that they would be blind, deaf, that they had diseases. I prayed, spent some time. In the roughest moments in my life, I secretly asked God to spare the boys, including all their adversities they were facing. In exchange I told him I would endure their pain and adversities in exchange for their health. Be careful what you ask God to do. least he oblige. However, I never took it back and he answered my prayers and took that last of good energy I had. Today they are fine, over 2 years old and I must say that where they can be testy, they now lighten my load on my shoulders, they help me to heal and to care again as Grandma does.
I also have a granddaughter who makes me feel proud. She is so smart and she is now attending school. She has been brave and goes alone on the bus everyday, eager to learn which makes me only more proud as I believe she will become a further intelligent person, eventually a strong and educated woman with a family of her own. She is a funny sort though, loves "her boys" ( her brothers) wholeheartedly. When I first met her, she was about knee high to a grasshopper and I was scared to death of her, not for any other reason then what I went through. All miss 2 foot nothing broke some of that down with just a few words. I stood there nervously, while grandma went around to unlock the door. I just stood there, silently cursing grandma. Yet lil miss clears her throat in a way to command attention and says with her hands on her hips in like a person on a mission " well hello there, and what is your name?!" Can you imagine!? I didn't know what to say, nearly wanted to run away but I found myself introducing each other. Grandma then opened the door, apologized to me and I was just dumbfounded, told her about our exchange.
We are not as close as I am with the boys, it takes time to heal and its not her fault. I'm trying to be more personal, affectionate but it will take time. It breaks my heart when she asks grandma "does Grandpa love me?" Recently she became ill, while at my house, She suffers from Asthma. I was filled with panic! Her dad took her to the hospital where she had to stay for a week. During that time I kept it to myself but I was rather upset for many reasons to in depth to get into and I thought of that poor child daily. She is out of the hospital now, got the chips I sent her she said and she sported her big smile as always. I held her for a while while her dad fought to dress her brother ( they don't like leaving our house lol) I gave her a good hug and yet again this wonderful lil person surprised me, here she was rubbing my back in a consoling way.WOW!. Whoever says you can't learn something from a child, hasn't paid attention to that child.
With that I will close. Frightened or not, today I will just be Happy and spend the day with the kids and Grandma. Nothing else matters. Watch the following video and think of your kids, grandkids when life gets too tough. Like my minions, just be Happy! I certainly do hope I'll have good news for you in the future as it pertains to my case.