Monday, 24 March 2014

Feeling trapped. (51)

After your life has been put on hold for near three years, there is much to do. The debt you incur from within friends and family is staggering, yet the only ones that seem to care. Not being allowed to work your normal job because of either being incarcerated and or on house arrest, your broke!. You cannot afford a real attorney, yet the government will supply you with one. However who they actually work for would appear to be a question that no one has been able to seriously answer for me. In the end, after an acquittal the massive cover up begins and as if to be kicked while down, the judge will throw in his own perspective and corruptly selective comments. You walk away wondering how to rebuild and in the mail you get a letter stating that you owe the government nearly over 7'000.00 for your legal aid lawyer and then you get one of many to come moments of clarity " ohhh, that's why they never actually fought for me"....hmmm, i know by experience by way of trying to hire an actual lawyer that they won't even say they represent you without a minimum 5'000.00 to 10'000.00 down. Thank God I'm a Canadian and used to pay taxes.
                                                        SHORT LIST

Moving on, you wonder the steps it takes to rebuild and write yourself a little "to do list". The list kinda goes like this.
- Find out when and how long I have to repay the government for my hamburger lawyer 7'000.00 plus
- Do you taxes going back for all those years, do i owe, do they owe me?
-Is there any money left in my bank account? Nope that was drained.
- How much is my student loan at, all those missed payments, interest. Near 5'000.00 still owing, much of it interest, who do i call to explain what went wrong? And at the ;east, can they forgive the interest?
-Where are all of my personal possessions, home, clothing and pets?
- Did they run up my credit cards, I'd better check that out?
- Did they pay all the utilities accounts, telephone, Internet, cable? better call and find out about that and how much is owed.
- Are my safety tickets still good, so that I can return to work?
-Where do i go live, where do I get the money?

 Overwhelmed already, I set out for answers. I get 802.00 per month being diagnosed as having PTSD, hard to function at times but I've no time to recuperate, no time to reflect. Legal aid says i must start repaying immediately, I simply hang up the call after trying to explain that you cannot get blood from a stone. Capital one MasterCard says that i owe over one thousand before they cut it off...when can I start repaying? Over the course of several days, bouts of uncontrollable emotions you call the utility companies. Where you were always good with your bills you now owe much to the gas company. Un paid until cut off, incurring interest daily.The power company is the same as too is the combined home phone, cable and Internet....they all want to know when I can pay and I endure the little comments of how a person needs to pay or repay their bills. Failure to do so will only further incur interest and harm my credit score, rating.
More emotions, can't explain to the guy in the lobby why exactly as a full grown male I'm weeping . Now where do I live? With my girlfriends kids and their kids else its off to the shelter. My girlfriend is stressed and emotionally beat up from police harassment and undoubtedly from having to watch her boyfriend go through so much. Depression, suicidal attempts, nightmares all have an untold toll on those that attempt to support you. Losing all she had too in that support, including her vehicle that she made payments on for four years, things are stressed. The kids are all good but lack the experience in life to understand just how something so wrong can happen to someone, truly the world cannot be as corrupt. What would be my girlfriends grand kids offer a bit of smiles , they love and care without conditions and where as it is a therapeutic time , I have still had no time to reflect on what occurred for me and I now fake most emotions as its not their faults. Where as its loud and chaotic, I need quiet and time alone. As if there wasn't enough emotions I now feel like an ass secretly to myself that I'm un happy after these people who don't know me very well put me up so that I didn't have to live in a shelter.
Christmas goes by as do the months since my acquittal. My tickets for work are very much and a lengthy process to renew. Friends help out but its yet too much and I underscore my position to them out of sheer embarrassment.Finally after months of arguing with the government, they agree to pay for the rest. Wow! thank you so much! So grateful for your intervention after all its not like you did this to me. After much debate over telephones they agree if I'll only send in a copy of my acquittal papers, relative information, they will not only wipe the incurred interest, but because I'm now classified as poverty, they might even wipe the whole loan... hey thanks, real big of ya, your swell, thanks for coming, so Honourable. Secretly for my own sanity i hold on to the slightest foolish things, wow it would sure be nice to have that at least off my back. I do as they ask, bare my soul to a stranger over the phone, pay for Canada post express delivery and I'm broke already...(see bottom for copy of letter). In the end ,its all another lie. Not only will they not forgive it but demand some of my monthly petty money from another branch of their federal department, oh and "yeah ,interest will continue to incur.There goes the foolish things to hold on to....add it to the tab.

As of late, I still struggle daily. I am renewing my courses safety tickets to return to my kick ass job i once had. I attempt to obtain gainful employment but often questioned as to why a man in my forties is looking for a job, where have you been for the last 3 years in your reflective resume? Your way over qualified which equates some how into their minds that i am either a person with substance abuse issues or unreliable.I'm told that they aren't stupid, they know I won't stick around and cannot understand that I need whole days off a few days a month for courses. They don't want to be rude ( as I can't and don't want to be honest and fill in the blanks, tired of baring my soul, right to privacy) they simply joke around, say " come on guy, your smart, educated and over 40, you don't wanna be doing this crap". under duress, I agree and quietly leave as under my breath i think "what the fuck do you care, I gotta pay bills"..curse that i blew another 3.00 on a useless bus ticket.
I now have a place, shared but its mine. I still have yet to relax or reflect although it is much quieter, yet i miss the none judging smile of the adopted grand kids.I'm so proud that for preemies they have come so far. Nearly 3,000.00 dollars to move in here, most of it all from friends and girlfriend. I struggle with my course's as I have so much on my mind but I'm plowing through. the first is approaching and I have no idea where I'll come up with the extra 500.00 needed for my rent, bills never ending I get a reminder call about my overdue phone bill. I attend church so to hopefully heal, get some sense of community again and where as its good, its short lived and I return to my distress, i just showered a few hours ago and while i write this i feel so dirty, blocking my emotions all the time, carrying on instead of dealing with I simply just sweat, stress sweat. And I for one can tell you it stinks and sucks feeling as if you just did a run, fluctuations in weight gain and loss that are so dramatic its like over night, my eye sight is going right to shit and the doctors will only tell me that everyone deals with stress differently, we internalize our pain and suggests that i need to go find somewhere to scream, eat healthy, work out, enjoy life a bit......hmm, lets see. how about shut the hell up doc cause I can't go anywhere to scream, I'll get arrested. I cannot afford the gym pass and I can't eat healthy, tomorrow once again I'm going to the food bank at my church, I eat what I'm given. There is nothing like some guy telling you to" enjoy life a bit" when he'll never endure a day of what I do, walk where I've had to.