Friday, 15 January 2016

And then it hit me....but will it last?

My day didn't start out special, nothing was out of the ordinary. In fact it kind of started of shitty as when I drove my wife to work I got caught speeding!.Yup, and cold too. I was just saying to myself , "hey you might wanna slow down a bit" and I looked up and a cop walked out in the road and flashed me to pull over.

Driver's license please, thinking about it now I wondered why he never asked for my proof of insurance but any ways. I remember saying to him as he asked " Do you know why I pulled you over"? Shit yes I know why, I'm so embarrassed I was speeding and believe it or not , "this is my first speeding ticket in life". Right like he hasn't heard of that before. However , truly in my 43 years this is my first ticket.
He takes my license and goes to his unmarked truck. ffffuuuuuccck me I thought, here we go. I said to my wife. Can you go to jail for speeding? She laughed and I thought it wasn't funny as In my minds eye I projected multiple cop cars surrounding me at any moment, spread out on the minus 20 ground and my Vehicle towed, my wife left by the road side and a whole new horrible chapter of my saga to start.

Fuck, fuck, fuck I said to myself, how stupid. I was about ready for my handcuffs when the cop comes back and says, " you were going 16 over the limit, sorry but I got to give you a 140.00 ticket and 3 demerit points but if you plead no contest the crown will likely ease up on the fine and demerits" He goes on " I know you're a hard worker but slow it down a bit".Baffled by the lack of myself  prophesied doom, I said "Oh really, I do apologize and I am rather embarrassed that at the age of 43 I got my first ticket". He says "Hey don't sweat it, I got one the other day and besides you have tons of demerit points" I took the ticket and we parted ways.

What the FFFF? This has been effecting me all day. To the point that I believe that it was my first actual conscious moment of being free, It's over! I am me again? 5 years of such hell and this?
While all my wallowing in self loathing, self pity and suicidal ideology as the only way to escape, while medicated to the 9's and a gamut of shrinks ready with there opinion and words of wisdom....this cop just locked into place my reality

Whereas I have been afraid of everyone, everything, myself. Living and wearing the devastation that became my life ....I just got properly bitch slapped with a 140 dollar ticket and it snapped me out of it.!Seriously, I don't give a fuck about my size anymore, courts done , imposing or not I'm going back to the gym! I also made a few personal changes, goals and within my life and for the first time yes I am in the drivers seat.
Fuck! I even pulled out the old hand wraps, gloves, looked at the dates of my supplements to see if those that I've been packing around  are good anymore and tonight way after my 5 year curfew I hit the grocery store and did so alone! I'm afraid to go to sleep as if it will wear off.

Truth be known I did briefly ponder that when I was out but I stopped it in its place and decided I will make a small sign for my fridge to remind me in the bad times.
Today may be bad
but never underestimate the day
you are free and it is over
It's time to move on
Wow! I wonder if that cop knew what he did for me today and I bet I'm the first guy ever grateful for his first ticket.
For the first time I'll sign off as 

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