Its 3:30 am when I awake from yet another nightmare about the "special treatment" I received at Remand Center,incarcerated for being an accused pedophile rapist.As I awake, this one I can recall. Most of the time, I can't. Like any dream or issue to painful to deal with and you suppress. I'm just told about what I say or do from a roommate or my girlfriend. They will say;
"You were fighting with your pillow, pleading with someone not to put the bag back on your head".
"You were yelling at someone and swinging into the air". What I find disturbing is that more then a few times I've physically acted out or spoken what I'm doing or saying in the dream as I'm asleep and have no recollection of acting out most of the time.
My spouse tells me;
"It was as if you were having a religious conversation or a debate with the unseen." It is a disturbing feeling, equally disturbing that this happens while I'm supposed to be resting. In this particular night I have awoken myself twice and for a brief moment, I am able to recall what happened in this dream before it gets hazy and forgotten, or rather I suppress as I don't want to remember "special treatment" as it would be more than I can handle.
In this dream, I'm running to the door of my house, running head long, shoulder down like a line backer to prevent the door from coming in. I'm spurred on by this overwhelming need to protect my girlfriend, yelling for her to run (even though she was nowhere near me when this happened in real life). I get out of my bed (still asleep) and run head long into the wall! I awake to me punching the wall with rapid secession.
"No one is there, what the hell are you doing" I ask myself. Its just a stupid dream! I crawl back to bed and lay there a while thinking about this foolish act. I think hard and a glimpse of something surfaces in my mind. I quickly suppress it in out of fear of what I may actually remember from the "special treatment".
A long time ago I took a course through work about good and bad stresses. You can think of them as sleep courses meant to teach you the best ways to optimize your time off and get a good quality sleep. So I have learnt the differences between stress and distress. Today, I try to put this knowledge to applicable use. I identify the negative distresses caused by being falsely accused and the positive stress that helps me get over it.
For instance, going to the gym. That's a good stress. During the blizzard, I shoveled snow. This is also good stress. Sure it's difficult, but there is a reward such as money and physical exercise. These moments offer me a chance to clear my mind.
My adoptive family's 8 month old twin boys who are teething, often have pain and cry. They are feeling stress, but after a few hugs and a couple fart noises from grandpa, they're able to laugh away their pain. These three singular acts have helped me to realize that some stress is good and it can even have its certain rewards in varying degrees. It brings me hope, a smile, and a brief sense of unity which I used to know very well. I'm briefly reconnected with something that was not and cannot be corrupted by external forces. And then there is the bad stress or distress.
People often ask me."why don't you sue, complain"? First financially, I simply cannot sue. You could hire the best lawyer in town I was once told by an attorney, the government will hire 3". "you will lose and they will never admit fault". "to admit fault, would call the entire justice system into disrepute, people will ask questions and demand answers"
I looked into complaining, I stopped once I found out that I actually have to complain to those that I am complaining about! I thought about it for a moment and figure it would go a little like this:
[Operator]: "911 police, fire and ambulance, how may we direct your distress call"?
[Tortured]: "...ummm, yes. can you please tell me who do I talk to about the police putting me in distress for over 30 months? Can you please tell me why I wasn't allowed to work during? Also, can you please tell me why and/or where all of my personal property items and savings have gone? I know who stole them, can I file a report? If so, can you take it down ma'am because the other four that work with you are proven liars, so i really don't think they have my best interest in heart. And while I have you on the line, I have a few more questions, if you will be so kind as to oblige me. Ma'am, if a person falsely accuses somebody else, is it not a crime? If a police officer falsifies statements to get a conviction, is that not a crime? Is it not illegal to tamper with evidence by way of destroying, not some but all the evidence before a trial? Is this normal police procedure?
[Operator]: "GET TO THE POINT SIR!"
[Tortured]: "Well ma'am, I'm just not sure who to talk to about being illegally detained and imprisoned against my will. Who handles the complaints from accused men who are assaulted by police officers while under their supervision? Who do I talk to about the police officer who was found less then credible on the stand, threatening to kill me on the day that this started in my own house?"
[Operator]: "YOU DO KNOW THIS IS 911 EMERGENCY DISTRESS DON'T YOU?"
[Tortured]: "Well yes ma'am I do. My distress has gone on for quite some time now, but I've sought out assistance and it would appear that I do not qualify for it with any government branch."
[Operator]: "WELL MAYBE CALL BACK DURING REGULAR OFFICE HOURS AND SOMEONE CAN HELP YOU."
[Tortured]: "I've tried that ma'am, and the hours became days, the days became months and now the months have become years ..sorry ma'am, but I'm a little slow. Can you please explain what regular office hours mean?"
[Operator]: "I'M SORRY SIR, BUT THAT IS SOMETHING THAT YOUR PARENTS SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOU. WHAT NEXT, WOULD YOU LIKE US TO PAY YOUR RENT?"
[Tortured]: "Well ma'am, first of all I just want to say that growing up, I was a troubled youth and did come of age as a ward of the crown, so in essence, you were my parents and no ma'am I don't need you to pay my rent, I would just like to know why the police aided somebody in stealing my perfectly good house which I was paying for, and all that was in it."
[Operator]: "YOU KNOW SIR, I'M JUST ABOUT DONE MY SHIFT HERE, I THINK I'VE DONE MY BEST TO BE HELPFUL TO YOU AND QUITE FRANKLY I'M NOT ENJOYING YOUR TONE!
[Tortured]: "Well ma'am, please excuse me if I come across as a tad frustrated, maybe even angry, but ma'am my shift hasn't ended in over 30 months. I have had no days off. No holidays or birthdays. In fact most of the last few years were spent behind bars, including my 40th birthday! I got no cakes or well wishes and no Christmas trees either. On new years I nearly kissed my male roommate at the stroke of 12. I've been through hell and all I want from you is a straight answer as to what "regular business hours" are."
[Operator]: "SIR IF YOU CONTINUE I'M GOING TO SEND A CAR TO YOUR LOCATION!"
[Tortured]: "Ma'am, please! I've had enough of that for a life time. I just have a few final questions."
[Operator]: "UHHH! GO AHEAD SIR, AND WRAP IT UP AS YOU'VE BECOME QUITE A PAIN!"
[Tortured]: "Well ma'am, since I did no crime and went to jail for nothing, was tortured for nothing, lost all I own for nothing, was humiliated near daily for nothing, been beaten for nothing, had my life threatened for nothing, and since I fall under no government branch's definition of someone deserving compensation or assistance with getting answers or help to get back on my feet...can you just tell me where I should go, who I can talk to, and explain when exactly do I become "the victim" in all this?
When my assistance check of $800.00 per month runs out (medical welfare for being shell shocked), how can I pay my expenses? That $800.00 buys my food, my toiletries, and is barely enough to rent a spot on someone's couch for me to sleep on (after they retire for the night). Renting an unfurnished apartment in the worst end of town still starts at $850.00/month, plus damage deposit.
[Operator]: "SIR...!"
[Tortured]: "Well?"
[Operator]: "SIR...!"
[Tortured]: "Are you suggesting that I spend the next three months on the street and try to save that money while it's still coming in?!"
[Operator]: "SIR...!"
[Tortured]: "Because last week it's been, on average, minus 30 degrees with plenty of snow. Most nights it gets colder."
[Operator]: "WELL, SIR THERE IS A MISSION [homeless shelter]!
[Tortured]: "Yeah, there's that, but what about my home which I paid for?! Hey, I got it! How about you stay at the fucking mission and sleep next to the drunks and the drug addicts and I'll stay at your home?"
[Operator]: "SIR, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR TONE AND VIOLENT ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME, YOUR THREATENING MANNER APPALLS ME, PLEASE CALL BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!
-Click-
Of course this is a fictional call but it very much so describes my situation and in dealing with the powers that be.This is distress! The unhealthy kind! The kind that finds you up at odd hours in the middle of the night, sitting on the edge of the bed, soaked in sweat telling yourself to keep it together. Fight just a little bit harder. Reassuring yourself that every storm eventually runs out of rain. There is a better day on the horizon. Things will get better.
And all that other horse shit!
A video for you of similar stupidity:https://youtu.be/hvvmQuRTFbk
-Tortured
"You were fighting with your pillow, pleading with someone not to put the bag back on your head".
"You were yelling at someone and swinging into the air". What I find disturbing is that more then a few times I've physically acted out or spoken what I'm doing or saying in the dream as I'm asleep and have no recollection of acting out most of the time.
My spouse tells me;
"It was as if you were having a religious conversation or a debate with the unseen." It is a disturbing feeling, equally disturbing that this happens while I'm supposed to be resting. In this particular night I have awoken myself twice and for a brief moment, I am able to recall what happened in this dream before it gets hazy and forgotten, or rather I suppress as I don't want to remember "special treatment" as it would be more than I can handle.
In this dream, I'm running to the door of my house, running head long, shoulder down like a line backer to prevent the door from coming in. I'm spurred on by this overwhelming need to protect my girlfriend, yelling for her to run (even though she was nowhere near me when this happened in real life). I get out of my bed (still asleep) and run head long into the wall! I awake to me punching the wall with rapid secession.
"No one is there, what the hell are you doing" I ask myself. Its just a stupid dream! I crawl back to bed and lay there a while thinking about this foolish act. I think hard and a glimpse of something surfaces in my mind. I quickly suppress it in out of fear of what I may actually remember from the "special treatment".
A long time ago I took a course through work about good and bad stresses. You can think of them as sleep courses meant to teach you the best ways to optimize your time off and get a good quality sleep. So I have learnt the differences between stress and distress. Today, I try to put this knowledge to applicable use. I identify the negative distresses caused by being falsely accused and the positive stress that helps me get over it.
For instance, going to the gym. That's a good stress. During the blizzard, I shoveled snow. This is also good stress. Sure it's difficult, but there is a reward such as money and physical exercise. These moments offer me a chance to clear my mind.
My adoptive family's 8 month old twin boys who are teething, often have pain and cry. They are feeling stress, but after a few hugs and a couple fart noises from grandpa, they're able to laugh away their pain. These three singular acts have helped me to realize that some stress is good and it can even have its certain rewards in varying degrees. It brings me hope, a smile, and a brief sense of unity which I used to know very well. I'm briefly reconnected with something that was not and cannot be corrupted by external forces. And then there is the bad stress or distress.
People often ask me."why don't you sue, complain"? First financially, I simply cannot sue. You could hire the best lawyer in town I was once told by an attorney, the government will hire 3". "you will lose and they will never admit fault". "to admit fault, would call the entire justice system into disrepute, people will ask questions and demand answers"
I looked into complaining, I stopped once I found out that I actually have to complain to those that I am complaining about! I thought about it for a moment and figure it would go a little like this:
[Operator]: "911 police, fire and ambulance, how may we direct your distress call"?
[Tortured]: "...ummm, yes. can you please tell me who do I talk to about the police putting me in distress for over 30 months? Can you please tell me why I wasn't allowed to work during? Also, can you please tell me why and/or where all of my personal property items and savings have gone? I know who stole them, can I file a report? If so, can you take it down ma'am because the other four that work with you are proven liars, so i really don't think they have my best interest in heart. And while I have you on the line, I have a few more questions, if you will be so kind as to oblige me. Ma'am, if a person falsely accuses somebody else, is it not a crime? If a police officer falsifies statements to get a conviction, is that not a crime? Is it not illegal to tamper with evidence by way of destroying, not some but all the evidence before a trial? Is this normal police procedure?
[Operator]: "GET TO THE POINT SIR!"
[Tortured]: "Well ma'am, I'm just not sure who to talk to about being illegally detained and imprisoned against my will. Who handles the complaints from accused men who are assaulted by police officers while under their supervision? Who do I talk to about the police officer who was found less then credible on the stand, threatening to kill me on the day that this started in my own house?"
[Operator]: "YOU DO KNOW THIS IS 911 EMERGENCY DISTRESS DON'T YOU?"
[Tortured]: "Well yes ma'am I do. My distress has gone on for quite some time now, but I've sought out assistance and it would appear that I do not qualify for it with any government branch."
[Operator]: "WELL MAYBE CALL BACK DURING REGULAR OFFICE HOURS AND SOMEONE CAN HELP YOU."
[Tortured]: "I've tried that ma'am, and the hours became days, the days became months and now the months have become years ..sorry ma'am, but I'm a little slow. Can you please explain what regular office hours mean?"
[Operator]: "I'M SORRY SIR, BUT THAT IS SOMETHING THAT YOUR PARENTS SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOU. WHAT NEXT, WOULD YOU LIKE US TO PAY YOUR RENT?"
[Tortured]: "Well ma'am, first of all I just want to say that growing up, I was a troubled youth and did come of age as a ward of the crown, so in essence, you were my parents and no ma'am I don't need you to pay my rent, I would just like to know why the police aided somebody in stealing my perfectly good house which I was paying for, and all that was in it."
[Operator]: "YOU KNOW SIR, I'M JUST ABOUT DONE MY SHIFT HERE, I THINK I'VE DONE MY BEST TO BE HELPFUL TO YOU AND QUITE FRANKLY I'M NOT ENJOYING YOUR TONE!
[Tortured]: "Well ma'am, please excuse me if I come across as a tad frustrated, maybe even angry, but ma'am my shift hasn't ended in over 30 months. I have had no days off. No holidays or birthdays. In fact most of the last few years were spent behind bars, including my 40th birthday! I got no cakes or well wishes and no Christmas trees either. On new years I nearly kissed my male roommate at the stroke of 12. I've been through hell and all I want from you is a straight answer as to what "regular business hours" are."
[Operator]: "SIR IF YOU CONTINUE I'M GOING TO SEND A CAR TO YOUR LOCATION!"
[Tortured]: "Ma'am, please! I've had enough of that for a life time. I just have a few final questions."
[Operator]: "UHHH! GO AHEAD SIR, AND WRAP IT UP AS YOU'VE BECOME QUITE A PAIN!"
[Tortured]: "Well ma'am, since I did no crime and went to jail for nothing, was tortured for nothing, lost all I own for nothing, was humiliated near daily for nothing, been beaten for nothing, had my life threatened for nothing, and since I fall under no government branch's definition of someone deserving compensation or assistance with getting answers or help to get back on my feet...can you just tell me where I should go, who I can talk to, and explain when exactly do I become "the victim" in all this?
When my assistance check of $800.00 per month runs out (medical welfare for being shell shocked), how can I pay my expenses? That $800.00 buys my food, my toiletries, and is barely enough to rent a spot on someone's couch for me to sleep on (after they retire for the night). Renting an unfurnished apartment in the worst end of town still starts at $850.00/month, plus damage deposit.
[Operator]: "SIR...!"
[Tortured]: "Well?"
[Operator]: "SIR...!"
[Tortured]: "Are you suggesting that I spend the next three months on the street and try to save that money while it's still coming in?!"
[Operator]: "SIR...!"
[Tortured]: "Because last week it's been, on average, minus 30 degrees with plenty of snow. Most nights it gets colder."
[Operator]: "WELL, SIR THERE IS A MISSION [homeless shelter]!
[Tortured]: "Yeah, there's that, but what about my home which I paid for?! Hey, I got it! How about you stay at the fucking mission and sleep next to the drunks and the drug addicts and I'll stay at your home?"
[Operator]: "SIR, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR TONE AND VIOLENT ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME, YOUR THREATENING MANNER APPALLS ME, PLEASE CALL BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!
-Click-
Of course this is a fictional call but it very much so describes my situation and in dealing with the powers that be.This is distress! The unhealthy kind! The kind that finds you up at odd hours in the middle of the night, sitting on the edge of the bed, soaked in sweat telling yourself to keep it together. Fight just a little bit harder. Reassuring yourself that every storm eventually runs out of rain. There is a better day on the horizon. Things will get better.
And all that other horse shit!
A video for you of similar stupidity:https://youtu.be/hvvmQuRTFbk
-Tortured
