These 2 quotes have significant meaning to myself. They should to others as well.
"I never desire to converse with a man who has written more than he has read. He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
and: "We can all sa that we are never going to commit a crime. But we cannot ever guarantee that someone won't accuse us of a crime and if that happens?, then good luck in this criminal justice system"
How prophetic the words "they aren't done yet". I encourage you to watch this episode and what the follow ups, they end up framing him for murder again. I cannot imagine what this man has endured.
As far as I end up knowing he and now his nephew rot in prison, this case is riffe with police corruption and there is one simple way to put and end to it.
There is a preservative in the blood samples, whole tubes of them ( that someone withdrew an amount with a hypodermic needle) the DNA samples in the new case needs to be tested for that preservative. But then again, does anyone care? it isn't popular and to be twice falsely railroaded by police, the thoughts of what happened to him, his family and their lives, the very fact of our society and views of policing, corruption is just staggering. Fact police framed him before and it wasn't until he seeked recompense of 36 million that he was framed again. 36 million reasons why to frame a man.
The other night , I dreamed of having my own home.My place if you will, others can join and feel secure but it would be my accomplishment in life. Some may say my goals were set too low but ever since I was a young boy I just wanted my own home.
I was well on the way of accomplishing this goal when I was accused. Made some renovations, damn near worked like an ant on that thing, until it got ripped from my hands.
In my dream I debated myself, "you should have accomplished this long ago, you know your 43?" "yes but I can do it again, start over...I am a driven man". "No" said my dream, you failed , you've come so far to fail and time is no longer on your side. I protest, "you don't know me....lalaland all the things I would do in the most dangerous of homes to turn it into my palace." Face it , you failed, it's too late. "You failed the first 43, why not just give up"?
A dream can convince you of things, silently you may agree, adolescently you'll build on, despite the facts.
I tossed and turned all night with that dream, eventually to lose, lose hope for the solitude, the pride, the ingenuity and the work, job well done. First time I ever arise feeling hopeless.Reminds me of one of my favorite movies, long old, long gone but to the right person a glimmer of hope. Enjoy this was me, this was you and so many others...robbed whilst we dreamt of a goodness. https://youtu.be/lbwjS9iJ2Sw https://youtu.be/6SLDMMGzkyI?list=PL2057675C5B1AD526
When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily, Joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, Logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable, Clinical, intellectual, cynical. There are times when all the world's asleep, The questions run too deep For such a simple man. Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical, Liberal, fanatical, criminal. Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!
At night, when all the world's asleep, The questions run so deep
For such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.
Just a song or a future prophetic version of society today....as a friend says "let it pass your own test of reason"......just make sure you fall in line an dare not to step out least you be "Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
Liberal, fanatical, criminal. Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!" At night, when all the world's asleep, The questions run so deep.....that is half the issue, while we sleep and they scheme.
So as directed by the courts and probation officer and as a part of my community sentence for "assaults on 11 police officers" while I faced persecution for being a falsely accused rapist.
I went and participated in what was described to me as Qoute" Joe it's just a one time screening and the reason for it is because back a few years ago while you faced charges of sexual assault, you had drank a fifth of vodka and took a bottle of pills " ,"they will probably just write a blurb report to us that you do not need counselling and it was just a situational issue, no need for concern and that will be good enough for us and we will drop the issue.
So I went down there, filled out their mountain of paperwork, sat and waited for the "counsellor" all the while bothered by the fact that they had DSM questions regarding mental stability...suicide, attempts, when ,ect. Dsm for those not in the know is
"Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" and is primarily used by forensic psychologist and psychiatrists, those trained and educated in its application and it shouldn't be put in the hands of someone who is NOT trained to be referring to it such as a drug and alcohol counsellor who I might add has the largest field of "They themselves being recovered addicts"Somehow they have jockeyed themselves into a position of "a therapist" and knowledge based by hands on use and disuse of drugs and what not, ridiculous.
So being that I have P.T.S.D which is actually assign and diagnosed by a QUALIFIED physician, this group decides to prob why I am there and ask questions about suicide based on questions formed from the DSM.
She calls me in, doesn't introduce herself or shake hands. Silently studies my demeanor while constantly making notes.
She says "why haven't you filled out the DSM questions?" I said " Do you know what triggers are"? she says yes". Well I say, these questions trigger me and are extremely personal, besides I don't know who you are and You're definitely not qualified to be dissecting my brain, you aren't even a doctor".
Well she says" are you suicidal, do you have thought and or a plan? I said hell yes I am suicidal and relate my story with her and in fact ask her if in my shoe's wouldn't she be and she agreed.
WELL RIGHT then, so let's move on to either you discussing this with my doctors and or my probation officer, she states that I would have to sign a waiver. LET"S do it I said, "well I don't have any right now", she says.
So I politely ask her to go and get some? She say's she will but continues to probe suicide, I said "look you're not qualified to probe my brain, clearly you know that, else we would be signing the waivers and you know they aren't going to discuss with you.
You are to asses if I am an alcoholic and or drug addict because while at the worst time of my life I attempted suicide by over medicating while having a drink. I haven't done so again, learned to seek help when I need it, have a team of doctors and really don't need you feeling like I am in jeopardy and calling the nut squad on me, furthering my PTSD.
All the while she took calls, very important woman she is and would put me on HOLD so to speak, or if she was doing her annoying fucking writing and not paying attention. In the end she states" I don't know who informed you that this was a one time appointment, there are actually quite a few and personally I find you aggressive and aloof, long winded and not answering my questions, our time is nearly up." Just how am I to take a 5 year ordeal and wrap it up in 10 minutes?
Well I said considering you hold no qualifications to being a doctor , why play doctor? Why don't you call my P.O? she states" I can discuss nothing with him" and in the end we never did sign any waivers, nor did she attempt.
So please stand by while I place you on hold and I hope you enjoy the fucked song.....actually it is good and would be applicable to all the drugs that they have had me on for years, no doubt with upcoming adverse issues, 40 mg of diazepam per day then the sleeping pills of 75 mg's, someone better tie me down.....Ironic that I am having to show that I am not a drug addict while being legally pumped full of them for years, and by the way, I don't drink but after a day like yesterday, wouldn't I be human to consider it....yet intellectually sound enough to realize that it wouldn't help.
If I am supposed to report in to her, them and they are to generate a report, yet cannot do so because they have no authorization to discuss these issues with the powers that be, yet don't even have the forms for me to sign "authorizing" them to discuss it and she can't even phone my Probation officer, refuse to accept his number..........exactly why did I waste several hours of my day?
My thoughts: "So are you suicidal"?.....please hold...https://youtu.be/VBlFHuCzPgY well yes I have been for 5 years, they all know it. "do you have a plan...hold please https://youtu.be/VBlFHuCzPgY Which one , which time? Do you have a plan today....hold please.https://youtu.be/VBlFHuCzPgY From the back to the fore front of my mind comes thoughts of losing EVERYTHING, hey bud she is triggering you, https://youtu.be/VBlFHuCzPgY......well since you're so well versed in triggers yet unqualified to be probing, I really didn't TODAY until you mentioned it and made me momentarily reminisce and relive horror. "oh and what is your plan"? Look lady, I know when I need to seek help, I know to add illicit drugs or alcohol to my otherwise convoluted, long winded, tale of woe would do me no good to add a depressant on an otherwise depressed situation.
Still, what are your credentials? I'm an engineer, want to see my credentials ?
"so we are done here for today" and she escorts me to the pass code elevator and still no signing of waivers and yeah, that's how that went.
Ironic I have an engineering degree, no job and no office in a nice warm building built like fort knoxs....yet she has shit on the wall and can't give me a straight answer. It all comes down to justifying a system and if we played it back in rewind it would probably make more sense, hell even throw in the chipmunk voices on speed rewind, probably understand something
I used to think that a song was just a song, immature was to reflect upon a song in the different stages of your life but I figure I am completely wrong. There are those that can write poetry, music and while it may have one meaning for them that produce it, it can also have a different meaning for another.
We hear it everyday, seriously just try to remember not hearing a song at least multiple times per day. It could be the radio on the way to work, a jingle or a song for every t.v show , movie we watch, hell we don't even buy anything without the perfect song to go with the advertisement of some product.
If we go to church, we sing. Prepare for the holiday's, there is plenty of music for that
It is of little doubt the power of music in just too many ways to imagine.
"Many people do, however, share a general idea of music. The Webster's definition of music is a typical example: "the science or art of ordering tones or sounds in succession, in combination, and in temporal relationships to produce a composition having unity and continuity" (Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, on line edition)."
I began writing this Blog for many reasons. One of which was that it was in a format that I could talk and get things off my chest when I simply had more to say than those around me could endure or I would write out that which bothered me and I felt no one simply gave a shit.
Near 5 years of court, trials although "they" pretended that they were separate incidents were in fact ALL connected in a very close and intimate way. I have said this many times and many times I was told "no the courts see them as separate matters" Then they give you the look, the look like "you're just not intelligent enough to get it", the look like " trust me , this is how it works",etc.
Now I don't feel that I am stupid, yes I have a limited education but I do have a degree in engineering. So while people would yell at me (attorney's) to accept plea deals, "this is the way the system is" or try to convince me with a learnt look, bunch of backwards babbling misplaced seemingly educated words....I would often think to myself " does day not come after the night"?, "does one step come after another on a set of stairs"? "one rung of a ladder to the next, hence it qualifies as a ladder"? " for them to come to work wasn't there steps and were they singular motions or a set of events that led them to work"?
Endlessly I would get served bullshit like this with a helping of a convincing look, apathetic look,or an affirmative "trust me I'm smarter look" I can only liken their fragmented , meaningless words, sentences and speeches to this: "Where does the white go when the snow melts"? I absorbed the gibberish, would block it out when I could but each time was like a punch in the face and made as much sense to me as my one attorney that said "even though you were acquitted of the principle charges that started this all, all that time you did in jail was a FREE BEE and they want more time because the courts see it as a separate matter that you assaulted a police officer"
Well we all know it is over so"party on right"?.......no. For a small example the last few days I have been hyper vigilant, extremely easily angered at someones stupid driving mistake. Angered at the most mundane and meaningless things, even inanimate objects. I can't sleep for shit, I'm restless,confused, angry and my head just buzzes.
All last night in the moments I would sleep I would dream of remodelling my home, step by step. Over an over again, only to look at the clock and 20 minutes give or take has passed! Unreal the shit you can dream in such a short period of time.
I have proven my innocence in court so much and that is just what I was accused of. While awaiting a trial and in jail I was raped, not proud at all. In fact it has bothered me so much I could simply flip right the fuck out. However, a sane person has to pick the battles in order to win the war. To add to that which was already such a convoluted ,long story was already on the edge of unbelievability.
So back burner was put the rape that happened twice so that I could have wherewithal and fight the battles to win the war. Segmenting and denying my own feelings just because to simply add to the whole thing might be misconstrued as a person with mental health issues.
I assure you, other than the P.T.S.D "he suffers from no major mental health issues" and so convinced was my Foe that they would have me retested and retested again, allegate, allege all the while......same outcome.
Why was I raped? because I was an accused rapist and that was how these individuals taught rapists lessons. Why for real? I think they were just sick fucks. How? Well they held the keys to my cell and what better victim that would be unbelieved then someone who was in my state, position. Hell they could have cut off my arm and I complained, those in power would find some way to blame me for my arm loss.....never once would they say "hey maybe this guy is telling the truth"
The one guy I haven't seen until the day of my release, the other years later when I seen him working as a sheriff that transports prisoners, can you believe they actually gave this guy a gun!? I would stare at him, contemplate wrong but then just block it out and focus at the task at hand.....deny myself everything.
I was amazed as I looked around at all the people who just carried on as normal and I thought "if they only knew what kind of monster (armed non the less) roamed around them they would come out of their skin if they seen and went through what that guy can do"
So I looked it up, trying to figure out what is going on with me, rudimentary but you get the idea as do I and I figure this is going to be one hell of a battle as I have yet to win the war. Trouble is, I'm not certain I have the wherewithal anymore. To simply draw out the process for so very long and suppress myself so very long will no doubt inadvertently make all of my emotions ,thoughts and feelings to overlay, mix up and be discombobulated , insuring recovery will be extensively long if at all possible.
I'm at about hurdle two and yes where they all appear to be "different", "separate" They still are hurdles and there will be no "free bee's"
Sleepless
