short ode's to PTSD...... A life changed.

I have written a blog for some time now. In the separate matter dealing with P.T.S.D alone , I simply cannot put to words the thoughts and feelings in a manner that is coherent and decisive. so  People can't understand it until you deal with it and if you cannot explain what "it "is adequately to another then they simply don't know what the F your talking about.

I found some people who have, I understand them as they are me and I am them but we are different. When they can, in short sentences verbalize the identity of the perpetrator. My hats off to them. I certainly hope that they didn't mind that I borrowed them:


Mike Essig
Apr 7
The Geometry Of Self-Destruction


~ short ode to PTSD

Though capable of rage,
I am harmless enough
except when cornered.

If you decide
to visit my life,
just be sure
we always sit
in a circle.
- mce

Ashley
Feb 4 Feb 5
PTSD


Why go back
when you can move forward?
I face this question
each day I breathe.
It's not always so easy
to answer.

Tatiana Cody
Feb 13, 2011
PTSD


Panic
Throughout
Scary
Dreams

Patience
Tried
Summons
Danger

Personal
Turmoil
Self
Doubt

Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder


backyard ptsd


acid flashback in the trees
frenzied branches feathered leaves
swaying seizing in the breeze
forming shapes that his mind sees
scattered thoughts attention free

PTSD


I wanted our love to be like the romance movies
I reached too far, and put down the pencil
I never finished writing our story






PTSD


A memory triggered, triggers the thoughts and the names called call the shots. Night by night the thoughts grow and the next thing you know you're tying rope.















I will end with this one that I myself wrote as I reflect on the picture of a  tortured message in a book. This is about as close as I can come to truly explaining how it is for myself.
 "You could be triggered by a word that sends you into a trance. Your soul speaks as your lips can't move and your brain switches to a different mood.
 All you want to do is read this book but your memory reminds you of all they took.
 Rest you say is all you need to get up and live to fight another day, a mockery to the real depth that you pay.
 while you rest the imagination plays , the sounds, smell and touch never go away.
 Laugh and mock though they may, somehow you fight another day.
As you sit awake in haze, drenched in sweat from the maze.
Your mate asks you about your craze state, you simply dawn your fake face and offer a meaningless false assured smile in the dark, you dare not speak your heart.
Silently wonder 'Am I falling apart'?
My own words about PTSD.

Ironic how most of us will openly say we aren't afraid of anything , odd as their is this simply this feeling of fear yet we or at least I know that I am not a timid person. Equally odd the open threat that you may very well not be trusted to become violent, yet you aren't by nature a violent person, nor have committed violent acts. it is as if you are not you anymore, the fear and anger unexplained while in true life the scariest thing real or  imaginable doesn't get a rise from you. Part of the soul gone? I don't know, fear of death no longer there you have faced that fear and died, yet you continue to live but your altered. I try and understand thins thing and I can't.

If someone or someone's were to break into my home tonight the last thing would be for me to call police, it would be systematically too late for them.....yet a nightmare can send me into a trance where I am so full of fear that Sometimes I dare not move, yet the more the moments go by my mood calms, memory fades. I don't want to hold on to the memory as I know its crooked and corrupt and my body's defense for myself....its the all unknowing, the lack of understandable, the irrational, the rasp of being just half dead, the life has left yet the soul imitates.

It's like the constant "Hi ,How are you? "oh great", "living the dream", "can't complain" and quickly you deflect it back on to them as you have just told a lie,"And you" or "and how are you"?. You're hurting , dead within but you know that polite greetings isn't an invitation of shit and even if you were to say something, even small yet odd in the sense of the greeting.......you just made everything uncomfortable and you may just have been closest to discerning how a person with PTSD feels everyday. Uncomfortable, agitated, fearful of the unknown, half dead ,something missing but you don't want to be troublesome.Pretending to be okay, pretending to live, the walking, talking dead.

The half soul

To find a "cause", we need only look in our own backyards.

To find a "cause", we need only look in our own backyards but we don't. What I am addressing specifically is homelessness and hunger as well as mental health issues such as P.T.S.D.
Recently Canada elected a new Prime Minister and one of his promises was to transplant 25'000 Syrian refugees to Canada by Christmas. Why? because it was pressure, popular?

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=7&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwja28fS4bDJAhVOoogKHR0ABvoQFgg0MAY&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.ca%2F2015%2F11%2F25%2Fcanada-syrian-refugees-benefits_n_8648136.html&usg=AFQjCNFCQIVV5eEFaZEeK1EuHjYo04qV5A&sig2=5QQ9S9lGDVOLpz8qCBknrQ

There are local news agencies saying that he has promised 600 million to the issue to care and educate these "refugees", roughly that adds up to about 35'000.00 per yer per person. Canadian as caring as we are are also bringing an additional 10'000 over. I watched the local news on Global National and I quote "they will be settled in ares that are specific to their needs and no doubt each of them suffers from P.T.S.D ! Yes I can believe they do suffer from that, especially the little ones. Yet there is more, "they will only bring families over, gays and Lesbians but not single men"

We have a long course of previous governments completely ignoring the P.T.S.D issue amongst our own soldiers and here is one article: https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjtgK3537DJAhWWnYgKHTf3CqMQFgglMAE&url=http%3A%2F%2Fglobalnews.ca%2Finvisible-wounds%2F1254729%2Finvisible-wounds-mental-health-resources-for-canadian-soliders&usg=AFQjCNFi6bIislQiYk4eLFyauKoL937nug&sig2=b9pFn78XYnE4IqFQT3nEwQ
 We have also had our soldiers live in shelters, poverty and worse. Another arcticle:https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjS5ryG5LDJAhVBSYgKHWkaAYkQFggfMAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.torontosun.com%2F2013%2F07%2F31%2Fcanada-we-should-be-ashamed-for-turning-our-back-on-veterans&usg=AFQjCNGPSlb4vcjXVLVTxUvu-9eROzAbig&sig2=_4qWSQswzyB3wdzDdjO3WQ&bvm=bv.108194040,d.cGU
So what exactly are we doing and saying?.....that isn't just popular gibberish? Many police officers face P.T.S.D as well and go left untreated to suffer, between them and the soldiers I would rather spend yet even another billion on them but we don't, we ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist. There is dog shit in our own yard yet we look as far as we can and offer to pick up some other Nations issues, or point out "hey you got dog shit over there".
https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiNj6-r5bDJAhVEK4gKHQhcBgEQFggwMAI&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aljazeera.com%2Fnews%2Fmiddleeast%2F2014%2F06%2Fbashar-al-assad-re-elected-syrian-president-20146419457810751.html&usg=AFQjCNEPcMYBiaUT5Pa47fofRapskZUO8A&sig2=pcX_5jQngOacUkyQTohUzA&bvm=bv.108194040,d.cGU

Assad was DEMOCRATICALLY elected! for even a second time during war!. His people chose him, yet they fight against him!. You now end up with this mess we now call "refugees" these people uprised against their democratically , twice elected in government and its not criminal to the west!. Here at home we would be deemed terrorists, threats against National security, charged , jailed. Hell we can't even protest peacefully without this happening:https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjonYrN5rDJAhWTKYgKHXrdC6AQtwIIHjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DGaYbq484abs&usg=AFQjCNHqSycqgerIPvQYFe4fvtS0POIJKw&sig2=bFZPgM6l2izVYCr5aez7pw&bvm=bv.108194040,d.cGU

“I would never confess to something I didn’t do!” and I paid for it dearly.

Through all of this while it is mentally and emmotionally draining, I never confessed as there was nothing to"confess too". I stood my ground, proved my innocence and the tatics they use are simply mindboggling...in the end I don't know myself any longer. I am changed, damaged and this is the system sworn to protect us. These are just SOME of the tatics allowed to be voiced that are used, trust me it can go way beyound that which is worse than the original accusation and are indeed criminal. The article:

What is the truth? Is it all a lie?

Give it a chance, there are a lot of people that have a lot to say that are rational, sane and raises questions.

Hello.....!

So it has been nearly a week now since it all came to an end. I am more than a bit confused about a lot of things. The initial unbreakable grin has worn off and I find myself in a state of numbness. Between my wife and I, it would seem as if all we do is sleep. I'm tired right now and I just woke up.

Someone on AVFM recently asked me this.

"Congratulations!

You should tell us what happened that has caused so much grief in your life. But far more important you should tell us WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENT to avoid getting into such a mess. The point being we need to warn others on how to avoid a similar fate..."

This is my response:

"WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENT".....Believe me I have looked back and I seriously don't think that there is anything that I could have done to avoid, protect myself from such a mess. Feminists says that abuse starts slowly, ingraining and ever controlling, its roots grow deep and before you know it you are trapped. Well right back at them.

when you raise a child from young and are called daddy, the last thing that you would ever think is to be falsely accused of some horrendous act against them. Was there warning signs? I suppose there were. The drug use from her, skipping school, living a risky lifestyle, running away but then again I just described near every teen in north America.

Is there groups or people to help? Yes I found her propensity to lie and falsely accuse many to be a serious problem and I sought out mental health help for her, drug counselling, social workers, even had taken parental courses. So in the end however gradual it was, well I was stuck being a parent to someone else's kid.

It's easy for someone to critic and say well after viewing all that and the false allegations that I should have known better to get the fuck out of there, Really? It's called being a parent, they struggle , cry out in various ways for help and do you abandon them, turn your back on them? No you be a parent.

There was a time where things were simply out of control, my stepdaughter was no longer controllable. Where we lived the police would not get involved, there were not any programs that were available that she needed. Exhausted, I ended the relationship with the mother and was in the process of removing myself out and away. In short, I was their bread and butter and they weren't having any of it.

First I attempted to remove the kid from my home, the real father could do his fucking job. Well in good old redneck Alberta that is illegal, criminal and in fact because I allowed her to call me daddy I was legally responsible for her until she turned 18 under law.

Thus I was kicking the mom out too....foolish me.

The rest as it turned out was yet her finest piece of well orchestrated drama, second only to her risky lifestyle and cutting herself. Once she notified the police, the four amigo's or curly ,larry and moe and the even further retarded cousin their other brother darryl took over and despite the numerous false accusations against a gamut of people, despite the 2 different mental drugs she was on,despite so much that I just want to repeat DESPITE, they arrested me.

How could I defend myself? I was jailed and all I owned was in their hands. Legal aid lawyers were fucking useless and personally I believe paid for by the feminist party. My life just rolled into this SSSHHH let's get him to the meat grinder. Publicity bans were placed, years of court, even when the courtroom sheriff's could she that she was obviously lying, they all continued. Its there job! they would say. While she would tear up during her lies they would rub her back, me? well I was disheveled, shackled, poised in a box built to send a statement, called the accused and later would get a cup of piss thrown in my face.




You think I wanted all of this? To lose years of my life? to be raped from others because I was an accused rapist? The years of jail, trials, attempts at suicide if it would only bring relief to my soul where I could not possibly make any sense out of anything.




The second sign that your in an abusive relationship of some nature: The abusers will attempt to convince you that you are wrong, you are bad, you are stupid, you are evil, you are responsible for THEIR negative actions, YOU make them do bad things to you because you are you. Was I treated as innocent until proven guilty?no . Was I treated fairly at all? No. But once the machine starts and is on the highway, your fuckin in it until IT decides to use an off ramp and slowly slow down, maybe let you out.




Looking back, could I have helped myself in anyway.....don't see how. I as a parent had roles and duties under penalty of law. Did I ever think that the little person who used me as her example of a "hero in school would falsely accuse me....no. Did I try and get her help, you fuckin rights I did and it wasn't cheap. Did I ever think that the one who would scream out for me if ever in trouble or had a bad dream would ultimately ruin my life? how the fuck can you predict such a thing?

Honestly, where I will never speak to her again and place a peace bond on her if she ever attempts any contact, I still don't hold her fully into account. There was something else, something missed and the fucked up system exploited it with all its might....this movement called disguised as feminism needs to go. It is a violent all encompassing demonic man eating monster. While I am on the subject, to explain. Why is their women's rights? children's rights?(but only if you're a female) why are there no right's for boys? men?.

People are shitting their pants about the next ice age, climate change.....better look out for and start really paying attention to the power shift of who is in control because there is a lot more coming for us all.

To sum it up, I don't hate women, believe in human rights and I will never fucking raise anyone's daughter again. I am with a woman who does not want kids, can't have kids and yes I am a grandfather by marriage to 3 kids. 2 are twin boys and the other is 6 and female.....she and I are never alone. No its not her fault and I am sorry but affection if ever is only in public. I am scared and diagnosed with P.T.S.D from it all, this is something that will take years to work out.

So am I responsible for my false accusers actions? NO. Am I responsible for the discredited police's actions? NO Am I responsible for being raped because I was an accused child rapist? NO. I can only be responsible for me, I fought and fought hard, with the set of balls god gave me I spoke out. Do I regret that? You betcha, should have kept quiet like the thousands or more others like me and just quietly moved on because jesus that speaking out just pissed off so many feminists within the system that they continued to give out spankings.....bad man!



Would I do it all over again? yes...I was a father, I did no wrong, I stuck it out when life was rough and if more don't come forward and recount their misadventures with misandry, well eventually that big bitch is just going to swallow us up and fucking half chew, spit us all out.

Think it can't happen to you? think again.





I'll close with this story you can easily look up on the internet. While iI traversed through the legal system, languished. There was a man by the name of Jonathan Denis who was the justice minister over my case. I would write him tearful letters, seek for real justice, ask for help and from him I basically got a FUCK YOU letter about how everyone did their job right. Funny thing about life, karma is a bitch as they say. This guy who sat on high, minister of justice! Well not so long ago his wife accused him of a whole lot of shit, sough and got an EPO. The Premier Jim prentice (who quit) fired him from his job as justice minister....you think I didn't chuckle while he argued "its all false" and watched his career flush like a turd down the toilet... I did chuckle, even emailed him and said "your turn now fucker".

There is no rhyme, no reason....Karma is a bitch and what the hell can you possibly do as one man to fight it? when even as a group we cannot collectively come together, be organized, listen to our elders, etc.






Enclosed is a link to the story of the justice Minister that I spoke of:https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=10&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CEcQFjAJahUKEwiaw5bEtvnIAhXUWogKHZIGBaw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fcalgaryherald.com%2Fnews%2Fpolitics%2Fjudge-lifts-publication-ban-in-legal-dispute-between-jonathan-denis-and-estranged-wife&usg=AFQjCNFFWstIWyw1bRRL40C0_0ognQL2hw&sig2=aTdDzckgjmtH-fv-ov7Kmg by the way he didn't resign, he was fired.

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=9&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CD0QFjAIahUKEwiao4Out_nIAhUEo4gKHZyJBL8&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thestar.com%2Fnews%2Fcanada%2F2015%2F04%2F26%2Falbertas-justice-minister-jonathan-denis-resigns-mid-campaign-over-legal-matter-with-wife.html&usg=AFQjCNHK2cEFhm0nXrl-Hcu80NR_u7kRIg&sig2=qYq_rDeNpFfwDkksGc-1Rg
For a quote:"Prentice says in the release that given the involvement of the courts, he asked for and received Denis’ resignation as justice minister and solicitor general.

The much anticipated day has come and much to my relief......

The much anticipated day has come and much to my relief it is done! It is over and I start anew.

It has been a horrible near 5 years and where I attempted to show and explain, be transparent....words can do no justice more than those that I received yesterday "You are free to go, rebuild and continue to succeed, I wish you all the best"
We drove home, tired and a bit numb but excited for life once again. There is much to rebuild, much work to do to overcome the P.T.S.D I incurred through my trials while traversing through the justice system based solely on first false allegations.
I have not much else to say at the moment, I'm a kid on Christmas morning:)! Later I will explain more possibly, possibly I will just let this blog go for a while and recuperate.   I thank those 70 plus thousands that had taken the time to read about my experiences and those on Google plus of 340,000 readers, and those that followed.

I encourage you to reach out to those that suffer as I had and to get involved under legislation to positively affect real change for those who stand falsely accused and have their lives torn apart. For all the help, lending an ear, support from those and you know who you are....my endless gratitude.

A song for you: https://youtu.be/ZbZSe6N_BXs

enough for now
I have a name

Bing Crosby - White Christmas

On Monday November 2nd. I face sentencing for interactions and assaultive behaviour that occurred while I awaited my day in court for being falsely accused of heinous acts. Over 2 years ago I was acquitted after a confession from my accuser the first day of a week long set trial.
It has now been nearly 5 years of jail, bail, house arrest 24 hours a day. Struggles with family, myself and self worth, employment and an eventual diagnosis of P.T.S.D.
If I didn't say it has been unimaginable.....well it actually has been that for myself and all of those that have supported me or been a part of my family.

I'm going in with hope. Hope to climb down from the spider web that has had me suspended in animation for so long, the feelings of impending doom. Life has gotten so complicated and I didn't quite know how to say goodbye should the worst happen.
I like this song, the season is near and its a compilation of the same song sung many times before. Bing is soothing, a remembrance of a good thing.
I have said goodbye before , many times in fact only for this to continue. But this is supposed to be it, the day  and the end of an enormous real life nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I got a name